Peace begins at home

A Spectrum by Barbara McDaniel

In a recent Valley Hospital survey, Mat-Su respondents stated that after alcohol abuse, domestic violence was their greatest health concern.

In the recent fervor over international bullying, playground bullying, and, more recently, workplace bullying, we need to remember another prevalent form of bullying: domestic violence.

What is domestic violence? Angela Brown in "The American Psychologist" describes men's violence against their intimate partners as a "vast array of physical assaults, sexual abuse, economic exploitation, psychological degradation, property destruction, hostage-taking, terroristic threats, stalking, burglary, theft, slander, and homicide."

In "Power and Control: Tactics of Men Who Batter," E. Pence states that "domestic violence . . . may be simply understood as conduct targeted at an intimate partner to achieve and maintain ownership and control."

What is battering? The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence states "Battering is a pattern of behavior used to establish power and control over another person through fear and intimidation, often including the threat or use of violence. Battering happens when one person believes they are entitled to control another. Assault, battering and domestic violence are crimes."

Acts of domestic violence generally fall into one or more of the following categories:

Physical battering -- The abuser's physical attacks or aggressive behavior can range from bruising to murder. The abuse often begins with what are excused as trivial contacts, which escalate into more frequent and serious attacks.

Sexual abuse -- Physical attack by the abuser is often accompanied by, or culminates in, sexual violence wherein the woman is forced to have sexual intercourse with her abuser or take part in unwanted sexual activity.

Psychological battering -- The abuser's psychological or mental violence can include constant verbal abuse, harassment, excessive possessiveness, isolating the woman from friends and family, deprivation of physical and economic resources, and destruction of personal property.

"Battering often begins with behaviors like threats, name calling, violence in her presence (such as punching a fist through a wall), and/or damage to objects or pets," according to E. Pence. "It may escalate to restraining, pushing, slapping, and/or pinching. The battering may include punching, kicking, biting, sexual assault, tripping, throwing. Finally, it may become life-threatening with serious behaviors such as choking, breaking bones, or the use of weapons."

Battering occurs in same-sex relationships and there are reports of women as perpetrators against men. However, since the U.S. Department of Justice reports that "in 92 percent of all domestic-violence incidents, crimes are committed by men against women," the perspective taken in domestic-violence education programs is of women as victims of battering rather than as perpetrators.

How can we recognize a potential batterer? Batterers are typically very charming, seductive men who seek women they believe they can dominate. Batterers' methods of control are gradual and it can be difficult for their partners to realize they are in a relationship with a batterer until after they have been conditioned to tolerate abuse and feel financially incapable of leaving.

The following excerpts from the Maltreatment Of Women Inventory checklist compiled by Dr. Donald Dutton of the University of British Columbia can help women recognize a potential batterer:

Insulted or shamed me in front of others.

Treated me like I was stupid.

Told me I couldn't manage or take care of myself without him.

Called me names or swore at me.

Was stingy with giving me money.

Acted irresponsibly with our financial resources.

Was jealous or suspicious of my friends.

Did not want me to go to school or other self-improvement activities.

Accused me of having an affair with another man/woman.

Interfered in my relationships with other family members.

Restricted my use of the car.

Restricted my use of the telephone.

Did not allow me to go out of the house when I wanted to go.

Blamed me when he was upset about something, even when it had nothing to do with me.

Told me my feelings were irrational or crazy.

Blamed me for his problems.

Blamed me for causing his violent behavior.

Threatened to leave the relationship.

My partner's moods changed radically from very calm to very angry, or vice versa.

In his book, "The Batterer: A Psychological Profile," Dutton asserts that abusive personalities often begin in the family of origin through the combined experiences of shaming by the father, insecure attachment of the mother, and domestic violence in the family.

Dutton believes that "Jekyll and Hyde," delusionally jealous, and other behaviors of batterers are significantly similar to symptoms of men with borderline personality disorder. Some feelings or symptoms Dutton lists from the borderline personality scale are: "I feel like a fake or impostor; I feel empty inside; I feel that certain events in my life do not count and are better erased from my mind."

Why do women stay in these relationships? Love, hope, fear, and denial. The situation for these women can be difficult whether they leave or stay. In "Battered Women as Survivors: An Alternative to Treating Learned Helplessness," E. W. Gondolf states, "The most likely predictor of whether a battered woman will permanently separate from her abuser is whether she has the economic resources to survive without him. . . . Three critical ingredients of economic independence for battered women include income from a source other than the batterer, adequate transportation, and sufficient child-care arrangements."

Many battered moms know how true that statement is. When trying to make a decision about giving up on the batterer and leaving the home they take into account that single women with children fill the ranks of the nation's poor.

Their children often suffer from behavioral problems as a result of living with a batterer and they know their children may experience intensified behavior problems should they leave the marriage, likely adding the risk factors of increased poverty, less supervision and less availability of mother due to her increased responsibilities, absent father, and possible admission of new stepparent/siblings into the intimate family circle.

There are solutions to the problem of domestic violence. Batterers can seek understanding of their underlying feelings that prompt their need for power and control over their partners. They can establish healthy boundaries and be honestly accountable for their behavior. Women of all ages need to learn the signs of a batterer and make choices that direct them away from dependence on and vulnerability to abusers.

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Valley residents have identified domestic violence as an area of great concern in their community. Please tie a purple domestic violence awareness ribbon to your car antenna or wear a purple ribbon on your clothes.

Call 746-4080 or see www.ndvh.org for information. Voice your disapproval of battering. Look for families in your neighborhood who live with someone who maltreats them and discreetly offer information and support.

It is in your own best interest to do your part to end violence in your community. You can do this by helping transform victims of battering into survivors, supporting prevention through education, and insisting on public policy that helps batterers discover a way to feel good about themselves that feels good to everyone in their family.

Barbara McDaniel is the chair of the Big Lake DV Project.