PUBLISHER’S NOTEBOOK: My Christmas Wish

The holidays are a time that can be filled with love, joy and peace. The past months, weeks, days have been spent planning and executing our Christmas gifts for those who mean the most to us. Gifts that range from elaborate to simple. Stressing if the gifts we purchased are what those receiving them will enjoy and appreciate. Hoping that they don’t end up in the dreaded return line at stores on December 26th. Then there is the stress of where and how we celebrate Christmas. Preparing food and entertainment hoping against hope that everyone gets along.

For some however the season is a constant reminder of the loss of a loved one.

For my two brothers, two sisters and I, this will be the nineteenth Christmas without our beloved mother, Ingrid. Mom’s favorite holiday without a doubt was Christmas. She was born and raised in Germany and we celebrated the holiday each year with some German traditions. Little traditions like putting our favorite shoes by our bedroom doors on December 5th. Waking up the next morning to see if Saint Nicholas filled our shoes with a bundle of candy or a bundle of switches. It was our yearly behavior report card if you will. We would always receive switches bundled together with candy attached. Mom’s yearly message to us that while for the most part we were well behaved we did have our moments.

We always opened our gifts on Christmas Eve which would begin with a family dinner then a ride with Dad to view Christmas lights. Mom would stay home. We were told she stayed behind so she could clean up after dinner. When we arrived back home just as Dad would turn the handle on the front door we would hear the ring of a small bell. Dad would shout out, “Oh wow, what was that?” Mom would rush to the door and exclaim, “Come look you just missed Santa!” We couldn’t contain our excitement and would rush past our parents to the Christmas tree that was barren of gifts when we left for our drive but when we returned the open space around the tree was filled with presents. Proof in our young minds that Santa truly existed.

When we grew older we would skip the whole magical Santa appeared tradition and Mom would join us gazing at the decorated homes. Until we began producing our own children then Mom would reprise her role as Santa. It was even more exciting to see our children run into her home trying to catch a glimpse of jolly old fella.

In the summer of 1998 Mom suffered a fatal heart attack and even though we tried that next Christmas to continue her traditional Christmas Eve celebration it just wasn’t the same. Each of us five kids would go on to build our own family tradition. And instead of going to our parent’s home, Dad would celebrate Christmas at our homes.

That first Christmas Eve was the most difficult. As we tried to recreate her traditional Christmas the weight of her loss was at times too much to bear. We carried on because all that our children understood was that it was Christmas. Any joy we would feel that Christmas was from their genuine love of the holiday.

There are those amongst us who are facing their first Christmas without someone who was so special to them that it will be hard for them cope. They will be overwhelmed with emotion and moments of depression. But at some point, they will discover as I did after working through the tremendous sense of loss that our loved ones who have passed on have left us a gift that we can not put a value on nor would we want to ever return.

The gift is the children in our immediate families. In our children- and for those of us fortunate enough to have them-in our grandchildren are the traits of our lost family members. They maybe a spitting image of our loved one or simply have their eyes. Our children may say something just as they would have said it. Maybe it’s simply in the way they walk or a facial expression. Our loved ones live on in them. The greatest gift we will receive is the realization that these traits exist. At some point we will reconcile that though we have a void in our lives that will never be filled. We have our own children and grandchildren or our nieces and nephews as a daily reminder that our loved ones are with us. How we celebrate Christmas or the gifts that we buy are superficial in comparison. My Christmas wish this season is for those who are suffering loss that they will find healing in the ones who are around them.

Merry Christmas from the Frontiersman.