Put away your weapons: making peace through our words

A young mother was infuriated with her children’s behavior.

Enough was enough! What to do now? Certainly they needed a tongue lashing--a good scolding to tell them how she really felt. She took a deep breath, praying for guidance as was her pattern.

The whisper caught her by surprise. ‘Put away your weapons.’ The children may need to face consequences, but not harsh words. Find another way. Speak with love. One of my favorite hymns reminds me of this truth: “Oh, the kind words we give shall in memory live, and sunshine forever impart. Let us oft speak kind words to each other. Kind words are sweet tones of the heart.” (Let Us Oft Speak Kind Words, lyrics by Joseph Townsend.) And, I need reminding.

As I write this, I am painfully aware of the regrettable things that have come from my mouth. (Probably I focus on this because I need a refresher.) As a teen, I discovered that I could create wicked, witty sarcasm, and I watched family members and acquaintances writhe with the pain it inflicted. I resolved I don’t want sarcasm anywhere near my speech, but it’s frighteningly close at hand, something I must guard against. It’s too easy to step into verbal one-upmanship.

While still in my teens, I overheard a young couple admit to speaking rudely to each other. “Sometimes, I just want to get back at her,” acknowledged the young husband sheepishly. Coming from a home where I never heard my parents speak unkindly to each other, I was frankly shocked. Why? Why would you want to deliberately hurt the person you have chosen to marry, I wondered.

Now, in my own marriage, I have learned there is no place for spoken missiles. I must put away the jibes for good, tempting as they are to use them. And unkind comments hurled in my direction? (Surely that never happens in our families?) “Say nothing,” my mother advised. “The sting of the harsh words will stay in their mouth and taste bitter.” No need for a last word.

Some years ago, our family spent several months living in Africa with my daughter’s family. As we embarked on our journey, my daughter briefed me on Ghanaian culture. “They don’t really understand sarcasm,” she explained. It just confuses the conversation, so don’t use it.” As we got to know the open, friendly people of the nation, we didn’t miss the biting irony or acerbic scorn you readily find in employment circles or on American sit-coms. People communicated like people do all over the world—but without the low meanness of the verbal dig. As the Proverb says, “A wholesome tongue is a tree of life” (15:4).

A culture without sarcasm. Such a beautiful gift to the world. An acquaintance told me a story about working with a bully for a boss. Everyone around this employer gave her stinging tongue a wide berth. Some even followed her biting patterns, dishing out insults of their own. Not a friendly atmosphere. But my friend wasn’t willing to live with the unpleasantness. “I decided to kill her with kindness,” she smiled. “And my boss changed—she became easier to live with.” I was intrigued. “What did you do?” I queried. “Well, you can’t fake it,” confided my friend. “You have to constantly be thinking of nice things about that person.

I always made a point to greet her in a friendly manner, to notice good things about her, to be upbeat. Over time, my boss softened into a much nicer person.” The whole environment changed.

As I retell this story, I realize that the boss wasn’t the only person who was transformed. Surely, other people probably took their behavioral cues from the boss’s new patterns, but I see that the new employee changed as well. She intentionally chose to see the good and share it.

As she looked for divine patterns in others, she developed some divine patterns of her own. She was able to impart sunshine because she had sunshine glowing within. I have recently heard other interesting ways to abandon our verbal artillery. One man shared how he is trying to stop saying cranky things about other drivers on the road. “Instead, I try to say something I am grateful for.” He laughed, “lately, I don’t say as many mean things through my windshield as I used to.”

Another woman took up the subject. “Maybe they cut me off because they have an emergency of some kind. If I give others the benefit of the doubt, I find I don’t feel as angry toward them.” As we beat our verbal swords into plowshares and pruning hooks, we can create a society where, as Isaiah says, “neither shall they learn war anymore.” (Isaiah 2: 4- 5) Think of it--real peace in our kitchens, in our relationships, even in the wide world.

This is where we can walk in the light of the Lord.

Kristin Fry and her family are longtime residents of the Mat-Su. She is fond of oatmeal cookies, grandchildren singing, and watching the snow fall from her warm home. Kristin loves Christ and being a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.