Putting in a lawn leads to unforeseen consequences

Resslin' Around

When putting in a lawn, remember one thing — you have to mow it eventually. It may seem like an obvious result of planting seed, but it is something that slipped my mind in the rush to have the greenest lawn in the neighborhood.

Putting in a lawn, I thought, would mean I would get to sit out in the grass, maybe in a hammock, and drink ice-cold lemonade — or an ice-cold Alaska Amber — as the warm sun hit me and turned my body into a golden brown tan, much like a California pool boy.

Every Saturday and Sunday would be my day, in my lawn, and it would be perfect.

Yeah, right.

In reality, this is what happens, and I hope it serves as a warning to those wanting lawns instead of gravel and rock gardens that are all too common in Alaska.

The grass grows, and then you actually have to buy a lawn mower, which is a job in itself. Our lawn is the size of the average postage stamp, but I still wanted a riding lawn mower, just because the neighbors don't have one and everybody looks cool on a riding lawn mower. In that sense, they are a lot like a Harley.

Actually, I wanted the NASCAR version of a riding lawn mower, with souped-up gears, but my frugal wife would have divorced me had I plopped down a couple thousand bucks for the John Deere/Jeff Gordon model.

I scaled down my list of requirements to a mower that was self-propelled, with oversized tires, a 24-inch cutting deck and at least eight horsepower. She wanted the most basic mower offered. We ended up with the cheapest model available from Sears, which was a decent compromise in her eyes.

While you are shopping for lawn mowers, the lawn grows about a foot a day it seems. Instead of a pleasant afternoon spent in the hammock snoozing, you end up sweating more than ever before as you battle the mower back and forth across the lawn, spitting rocks from under the mower as you dull the once brand-new blades in approximately 20 seconds.

The mower will run out of gas, guaranteed, on the next-to-last strip remaining to be mowed. And, after spilling gas all over yourself, you finish mowing with a sweet-smelling mixture of sweat and unleaded gas radiating from your body.

After getting the mower put away, you run inside the house, suck down a gallon of water, and realize the golden brown tan you dreamed of is really a neon-red sunburn that hurts with every breath you take. That will clear up in about six months, so it really isn't that bad.

Then, peering out the window, it all becomes worth it.

The smell of the freshly mowed grass hits the air, and the sight of the lush green lawn peering up through the ground gives you a sense of pride.

And then it starts raining — raining harder than you have ever seen, with hail mixed in for good measure — and you don't get the chance to go out and actually enjoy your new lawn.

Three days later, repeat the entire process, which will continue for a few months.

The moral of the story is that lawns aren't all play and no work. They look great, but they don't get that way by themselves, unfortunately.

By looking at neighbors' lawns, you can quickly tell who is willing to put in a lot of time working on them, and who cuts their grass twice a year, whether it needs it or not.

Casey Ressler (ressler@alaska.net) is the Frontiersman Valley Life editor. His wife thinks he is a lawn freak.