Recognizing domestic violence

Oct. 13, 2006

By MARY AMES

Frontiersman

MAT-SU - The red flags were everywhere in Brandie Burns' life, and the same red flags wave in front of other victims of abuse.

Burns was killed at the hands of her lover, who then strangled their 7-week old child, Ashton.

&#8220Even knowing what I know, I was shocked and horrified when I heard about it,” said Betsy Woodin, outreach coordinator at Alaska Family Services.

&#8220This is what can happen. What compelled him, I can't imagine. Her, I can understand. I can't fault her.”

Brandie, 26, and Ashton were murdered a year ago this month, October, which is Domestic Violence Awareness Month.

Brandie's family and friends testified at her murderer's trial: They didn't visit with the couple much. They saw less of Brandie after she moved in with him. Many of them never saw Ashton alive.

Isolation is one of the tools abusers use, Woodin said.

&#8220It is one way to keep their victims from hearing about the red-flag warnings from friends and family,” she said. &#8220It becomes harder for people to offer referrals.”

Some abusers keep the family totally isolated, off the road system, she said, or they leave with the family vehicle and take the cell phone. The person bent on controlling others will often tell his victim her family treats her like a child, or she shouldn't let anyone come between them, she said, and there are a lot of ways to make it look like others are meddling.

&#8220He can make it seem like Romeo and Juliet,” Woodin said. &#8220But it's about control.”

Friends testified they saw bruises on Brandie, and watched her naturally bubbling personality become subdued and weepy.

In court, they weren't allowed to say what Brandie told them, only what they knew. The murderer's stepmother testified that the few times she saw the couple together, they seemed to get along fine.

Yet she saw things in him that reminded her of her abusive first husband, she said, and Brandie told her a few things that made her worried.

&#8220There are different aspects,” Woodin said. &#8220It's not always physical. We talk about mental, emotional and spiritual abuse.”

What may at first look like he-loves-me-so-much passion can turn into jealousy, and become controlling behavior. It may be as simple as an unspoken threat, with tension in the air all the time, she said. The abuser may have control of their finances, their phone.

&#8220Loyalty may be a piece of this,” she said. &#8220We don't share our stuff with other people. It becomes a family secret. You can't bring anyone home. You can't have anyone stay over. You can't trust anyone. You can't share your fears.”

That part is especially hard on children in the family if they reach out to a teacher or friend, and the abuse isn't stopped, she said.

Brandie left the man who eventually would murder her several times. Friends helped her move out more than once. The murderer's family, people who barely knew her, bought Brandie a ticket to leave the state when she was seven months pregnant. But each time she went back.

It's the cycle of violence, Woodin said. Excuses and a show of remorse follow an episode of violence, or whatever caused a victim to leave. It's called the honeymoon period, she said. And as it wears off, tension builds again and the victim or victims in the house start to walk on eggshells, knowing something is coming.

&#8220It's like living in a war zone,” she said. &#8220Like shooting or a bomb going off at any time. It's no way to live, and it's long-term effects are dramatic.”

Brandie returned from Georgia shortly before Ashton was born. Her murderer testified they'd had worse fights than the one the night he killed. He didn't know why he killed this time, he said.

Pregnancy and the birth of a baby increase a woman's risk of abuse, Woodin said. All this attention is on the victim, she said, and the abuser will feel, &#8220I'm not getting the attention I think I deserve.”

With attention, comes scrutiny. Medical staff look at the health of the baby and mother, which can lead to discovery of family secrets.

&#8220It's a great opportunity to get help, and very dangerous time,” Woodin said. &#8220A new mother is tired, busy with the baby, and the perpetrator is left out in the cold. It's very hard to compete with a new baby.”

Ashton suffered a skull fracture a couple weeks before his father killed him.

At the hospital, and ever after, Brandie told everyone she fell while holding him. But once Brandie and Ashton were dead, the murderer told police he'd been drinking and dropped their baby.

Brandie may have felt like an accomplice, Woodin said.

&#8220Victims can be convinced they'll be proved not fit to be mothers,” she said. &#8220He might have said, ‘You weren't able to protect the baby.' If you get something on the victim, you can control her better.”

Although October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month, domestic violence happens every day.

Brandie Burns was one of the 42 percent of murdered women who are killed by their intimate partner.

Alaska Family Services offers resources for people wanting to find a way out of an abusive relationship.

The center's help line, 746-4080 or 1-866-746-4080, is available anytime of the day or night. Victims also can get help online at www.akfrc.org.

Contact Mary Ames at 352-2284 or mary.ames@frontiersman.com.