Scenes from the PogSue convention

Being Frank, by Frank Ameduri

The PogSue National Convention was held in the Valley last week, and the party got a much-needed shot in the arm. PogSue is short for the Pragmacratic Party of the Greatest Darned State in the Union, and its lone candidate (for every office) is Jocko Slydecki.

The PogSue convention ran from Friday through Sunday last week, and Monday and Tuesday were declared PogSue Recovery Days.

Instead of a traditional invocation, the PogSues opened their convention with a food drive. The entire convention then loaded up on flatbed trucks, buses and vans and delivered the food to hungry people all around the Valley. "We could have prayed for God to feed these people," said party chairman Rocco Calabrese, "but we figured He was busy enough fixing the problems the other parties have created. We gave God a break and did some of the work for Him."

The convention then moved to the shores of Wasilla Lake for a picnic and platform-building exercise. Everyone submitted at least one challenge facing the country and at least one possible solution for each challenge.

"If you didn't have a solution in mind, you couldn't submit a problem, Calabrese said. "The other parties have made an art form of pointing out what's wrong and blaming it all on one another. We're all about solutions, and we don't care who gets the credit."

One example of a challenge/solution card read, "PROBLEM: The tax burden rests largely upon the middle class, and recent tax cuts have benefited the wealthy. SOLUTION: Replace income taxes with a graduated sales tax. Necessities (food, medicine, etc.) would be untaxed; material items would be taxed at a graduated level. A tax-payer's primary automobile would be taxed at a minimal rate. Additional autos would be taxed at a higher rate, and luxury vehicles and vehicles that burn excessive amounts of fuel would be taxed at the maximum rate. Houses and property would be taxed based upon size and value. We encourage people to strive for wealth, and we support the advantages that come with wealth. We also expect the people who benefit most from liberty to contribute the most to the society that provides it."

Party leaders took the 30 most serious issues and best solutions and built a party platform from them. At 7 p.m. the platform was built, and the first keg was tapped.

The second day opened with a brunch at Hatcher Pass. There were no speeches.

"What's the point?" Calabrese asked. "Nobody's paying any attention to this but us, and who are we going to impress? We'll just have brunch and then think of something productive to do, since we've got a bunch of people together in one place."

After brunch the entire party headed down to Palmer and picked up litter until 6 p.m. Then they all met at the Valley Hotel for pancakes.

Finally, on Sunday, somebody made a speech. Slydecki took the podium at about 1:30 p.m.

"Well, thanks for coming out and for the nomination," Slydecki said. "The fact is, we don't have a snowball's chance in hell of winning the election, but that's not going to discourage us. We're not going to get into the White House, but we did feed a bunch of hungry people and we picked up a bunch of trash this weekend. That's more than the other guys can say. We'll probably never put a single candidate in office, but if we each make the effort to feed one person when we can, and if we pick up one piece of trash wherever we go, we'll make a difference. We can create slow, positive change if we remember our PogSue priorities: Teachers before politicians; needs before wants; equality before privilege; workers before corporations; children before adults; people before money; quality of life before the bottom line; us before me. What more is there to say? Get out and vote, sure. But then get out and do something. If we don't, who will?

"Anyway, thanks. God bless."

Frank Ameduri is a card-carrying member of the PogSue party.