Science proves it: I'm a stupid fat guy

July 17, 2007

The Razor's Edge/Greg Johnson

Everywhere I go people ask, &#8220What's your problem?” Thanks to the folks at the Framingham Heart Study, I've been enlightened.

I'm stupid.

Actually, I'm fat and stupid. The two go hand-in-hand, if you believe the group's study that apparently those extra pounds make men lighter in the cranium.

We have a quotient, hold the intelligence.

It could be because there is less blood circulation to the brain of obese men, or it could be what my last girlfriend had been trying to tell me all along: I was born stupid.

A study of medical records of more than 1,400 men and women by the University of Boston found men classified as obese apparently have significantly reduced mental abilities.

Our female counterparts are apparently not similarly affected.

This is just what the male of our species needs - scientific proof of what women have been telling us since Eve pulled the wool over Adam's eyes.

Seems those of us living large scored as much as 23 percent less than fit men. Maybe Adam was carrying a few extra pounds at the time.

I know this study to be true. It explains much in our society, like:

€ Why professional football rosters don't read like a Mensa membership roll.

€ Why Mr. Universe usually isn't an Ivy League graduate competing on a fitness grant from MIT.

€ Why Winston Churchill was way overrated and owes his place in history to his wife, Clementine.

€ Why sumo wrestling isn't a more complicated sport.

€ Why men can program a remote control complicated enough to launch a space shuttle, but can't set the clock on any VCR.

As if fat guys needed another stigma to overcome, now the world believes us to be slack-jawed dimwits who can't hold a candle to our physically fit mental superiors.

Guess I have to stop using that time-honored comeback, &#8220I'm not as dumb as I look.”

In today's climate of political sympathy, does this now mean I qualify for some sort of entitlement? Perhaps a stipend from the National Fund for Fatties is in order.

In schools, chubby little boys can be graded on a curve taking into account their disadvantage, scaled in proportion to their weight. A woman better calculate these figures.

I shudder to imagine the staggering intellect just out of my reach, lurking in limbo under layers of lard.

I've heard that inside every fat man is a skinny one waiting to get out.

Truth be told, inside every fat man is another fat man who can't remember birthdays or anniversaries.

It's ridiculous to believe someone is less intelligent because of his weight. But what do I know? I'm just a stupid fat guy.