Secrets to a happy marriage

As I sit down to write this article, it is at the close of a very special day, a day that marks the completion of yet another year of devotion between one man and one woman for one lifetime. With nearly one in every two marriages ending in divorce, and the average life expectancy of the modern marriage lasting only seven years, I count it a privilege to have spent the last 23 years with the little girl I joined hands with in holy matrimony.

If there is one thing I have learned in my marriage, it is that there is no such thing as a perfect wife. But then again, and looking at myself, there is no such thing as the perfect husband. It is kind of like the mythological perfect parent, and the “perfect” teenager whose parents are a couple of hypocrites. Perfection simply just doesn’t exist.

One of the reasons that marriages go sour is because one less than perfect partner loses sight of this and begins to expect perfection from their less than perfect mate. The reason this is so hard to deal with is because the one who is most demanding can seldom be pleased, no matter how hard the other side tries.

Thus, by the time the relationship reaches this point, it is more akin to a plane beginning a death spiral. The secret is to avoid getting to this point in the first place.

To this end, I want to give husbands, especially those who have only been married a few years, some practical suggestions that will fan the flames of those marriages that are cooling, and stoke the fires of those burning brightly.

In Ephesians chapter five, the Apostle Paul teaches that husbands are “types” of Christ. While most men enjoy the verses that explain how wives are to submit to their husbands, few seem to notice how they are to love their wives as Christ loved the church. Few seem to take into account that while Paul spends three and a half verses on the wife, he devotes five and a half on the husband.

Of these, verse 28 is most peculiar: “So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies….” To me, this sounds awfully close to the second commandment in Matthew 22:39 to “love thy neighbour as thyself.” Could it be that Paul is implying that our wives are our closest neighbors?

And could it be that he brings up the need to love because it will be a husband’s greatest weakness? Why does he not say the same to the wife?

How then can a man, any man, demonstrate love toward his wife? Let me give us three places to begin.

First of all, remember the day she was born. Let’s be honest: Men are not known for their memories. We get busy with our lives and our labors and some things just fall through the cracks. But interestingly enough, our wives know that we do remember what is important to us. It might be the stats of that football team, or that new snowmachine, but you remember what is important to you. And when you forget her birthday, she knows that she is not on the short list.

Gentlemen, in the mind of your wife, her birthday represents who she is, and if you let it pass without so much as a tight embrace and a whisper in her ear, at the very least, what you are saying to her is that she means nothing to you. Take her for granted? Only for so long.

The second is closely related and that is, remember the day you got married. I tell you the truth, most girls think about marriage at a far earlier age than most boys, and that is because of how God made them.

You need to realize that by the time they get married, they’ve been thinking about marriage for years while you may have only thought about it for months.

And when you forget the day you took her as your bride, what you are really saying is that your relationship with her means nothing to you. Don’t try and excuse it away; you are not fooling me, and for sure, you are not fooling her.

And lastly, spend time every day, just with her. One of the greatest gifts that I ever gave my wife was 30 minutes a day, even when we had small children and I was going through Bible college.

We would put our kids to bed at eight o’clock and I would give her the next 30 minutes to talk with me about whatever she wanted before I headed off to my study. While other men would boast about their dates and their wives would mutter about their neglect, my wife knew I loved her.

Gentlemen, I married that little girl because I wanted to spend time with her. And the truth is that when we grow old and the children are gone, I don’t want to turn around and find her to be a stranger.

Ron Hamman is pastor for Independent Baptist Church of Wasilla. Contact him at 357-4229.