Seventy times seven

Last month, I enjoyed my first visit with my extended family since our 18-month pandemic separation. I loved connecting beyond the video and phone calls that substituted for in-person interaction and affection. I love my family. I see their struggles and their challenges, and I want them to be happy and whole. Unfortunately, during our visit, I witnessed their confusion and anxiety as I listened to several perspectives on a recent interaction that left all parties hurt and isolated from each other. I quickly realized there was little I could do to improve the situation beyond listening without judgment and affirming my love for everyone involved.

Shortly after returning home, I woke one morning with a verse from the hymn, Lord, I Would Follow Thee in my mind. Susan Evans McCloud’s words brought peace and comfort as I thought about this and other conflicts that were beyond my ability to fix. “I would be my brother’s keeper, I would learn the healer’s art. To the wounded and the weary, I would show a gentle heart… Savior may I love my brother, Lord, I would follow thee.” I recognized both wounds and weariness in my family’s situation and resolved to show a gentle heart. It turns out that softened hearts increase our capacity to love.

God sent us to earth to live in families, providing a laboratory to learn how to love and forgive each other. Our involvement in real, messy, unfiltered life provides opportunities for growth. While we may witness and recognize the hurt that accompanies offense and harbored grudges, ultimately, we cannot control others. We cannot demand apologies or forgiveness from anyone but ourselves.

Most parents are familiar with the not-so-subtle art of the forced apology. In our effort to instill responsibility, we often encourage the outward action of saying “I’m sorry” without nurturing the change of heart that accompanies genuine remorse. I want my children to own their actions and to make amends—to love and forgive, especially when the hurts and offenses are real and deep.

God wants us to experience loving relationships as well.

I have been thinking about forgiveness and reconciliation for a while. Why are apologies so uncomfortable? Acknowledging our wrongdoing is never easy. But the discomfort doesn’t need to last long. Author and social researcher Brené Brown found that the average length of unease when initiating a hard conversation is eight seconds. But often, we choose to avoid confrontation and hope that our problems will resolve on their own. That is like ignoring a splinter because removing it with a pair of tweezers is likely to hurt. Neglecting our challenging relationships will likewise lead to sore spots and inflamed emotions that can affect our thoughts and actions.

Therapist and author Harriet Lerner writes about apologies and forgiveness in Why Won’t You Apologize? Those who seek her help because they “can’t forgive” are often looking for a way to release wounded feelings and move beyond hurts. The term forgiveness means different things to different people, and there are many paths to healing. When trying to make amends, she recommends avoiding common “non-apologies” including “I’m sorry but…,” “I’m sorry if…,” “I’m sorry you feel that way,” or any apology that expects or demands forgiveness from another person. Own your part. Take responsibility, then be patient and willing to listen. Lerner suggests, “Reduce your expectations to zero for getting any specific result of acceptance or apology. It requires self-love and self-respect, and we can’t bestow that on anyone but ourselves.”

The stories we tell ourselves about other people’s motives and intentions are often wrong. If we want to heal a broken relationship or progress beyond profound hurt or disappointment, we have to work in the areas of life we can control—our hearts. If we are waiting for the offending party to change before moving forward, we may have a lifetime of waiting ahead of us.

Forgiveness is a tricky business. Peter asked the Lord, “How oft shall my brother sin against me and I forgive him? till seven times?” (Matt. 18:21). Seven times seems like a reasonable limit. After all, this is the same person with repeat offenses. But the Lord answers “seventy times seven,” which doesn’t get us off the hook at the 491st repeated trespass. Jesus is teaching that we need to forgive again and again and again. With practice and divine help, we can release hurts and grudges without expecting to change others or guard against future harms. Instead, we are cultivating resilience and love in our own gentle hearts.

As in all things, Jesus Christ provides the perfect example. He is willing to forgive us. Always. All of us, for all the rebellious, stupid, thoughtless, or damaging things we have done. He invites us all to repent and to be healed. He will help us in our efforts to mend broken relationships and will “bind up the brokenhearted” (Isaiah 61:1). I find hope in his promise that he will forgive and forget our offenses and teach us to do the same with others. “Behold, he who has repented of his sins, the same is forgiven, and I, the Lord, remember them no more” (D&C 58:42).

Amity Condie has lived in Palmer since 2004. She loves reading, skiing, and napping in sunlight. She is currently enrolled in The University of Tennessee, Knoxville’s online Master of Social Work Trauma Certificate program and is a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.