Some things about women I’ll never understand

So, according to the title of the famous book, “Men are from Mars and women are from Venus?”

I never did like that analogy but I get the point; we’re wired differently. Any man who has survived dating in high school, perhaps his 20s and made it to a happy marriage knows that. Heck, you have to learn it or you’re a miserable guy. Those of you who know me, or perhaps have followed my column now and then, know that I lucked out. I married a tomboy who has an amazing ability for figuring out us guys more than any other woman I’ve ever known.

That’s a good thing, because I’m a pain in the you-know-what, and I somehow stumbled across the only woman in the whole world able to put up with me. I’m stubborn, impatient and because I looked up to my grandfather as my ultimate role model as a man and father, I’m hopelessly old school in my outlook about everything.

But there are some of things I have noticed about many gals that I don’t think I’ll ever get.

Last week, I took the easy way out during lunch and drove to a McDonald’s that’s right next to the office. It was a sunny day and I just wanted to grab a burger and sit in the sun for an hour. But I was stuck in the drive through behind a younger gal who was having difficulty deciding what she wanted.

Here’s how I — and most other men — execute a fast-food visit:

First, I decide where I want to go (this is the only part that takes more than 60 seconds). Then, as I drive there, I run through the menu in my head and think about what I want. If I’m being really indecisive, this may actually go on while the car ahead of me orders. But by the time I pull up to the speaker, I’m all set.

I can only conclude that this is not the case with a woman. I’m not really sure how much time a woman will spend thinking about where she wants to eat, but I do know that the time it takes to decide what she wants is entirely different. In fact, I’m pretty sure that during the time a woman drives to the restaurant, she isn’t thinking at all about what she wants. Maybe she’s thinking about the sale at Nordstrom’s, or maybe what the co-worker who sits next to her was saying that morning. But I do know that when many ladies get to that speaker at the drive-through, they act as though it just appeared in front of them. It’s like they’ve been suddenly beamed there by surprise. So when the teenager says, “Welcome to (wherever). What can I get for you today?” the answer is usually, “Ummmm … give me a second.”

At this point, the woman or girl will have her finger on her chin while she’s scanning the menu. This cracks me up. Except for a few minor tweaks here and there, the menu hasn’t changed in decades. During the decision process, it’s important to have a conversation with the kid-in-the-speaker about the menu.

“Do you have this? Do you still serve that? What kind of cheese is on the …?” Oh, and don’t forget to customize the order. “Can I get the double cheeseburger but without ketchup, and is it possible to have this or that put on it?”

I especially like that part because it boggles the mind of the poor kid working the window. He has to go ask a manager, and heaven forbid if the answer is “no,” because that restarts the long decision-making process. In the meantime, enough cars are lined up behind her to begin looking like a parade. Finally, after she has placed her order, I pull up and get the “welcome to” spiel from the kid, tell him I want a No. 2 with a medium Coke and pull forward. Takes about 6 seconds, tops.

And don’t look to escape this trap by going inside to order because you’ll run into it there, too. A gal will wait her turn in line, then step up to the register and only then start thinking about what she wants while the rest of the line waits.

Somewhere in our minds is a part that deals with the ability to comprehend time. I’m pretty sure men and women have it. But I think God was only able to fit so much into one space so he made our brains different. Women obviously got more than us men in some areas and God had to make up for that space somewhere else, so perhaps he shorted women a bit on the “time comprehension” part.

How else can you explain that getting somewhere, anywhere, on time is a minor miracle? Many guys already know the drill; you’re pacing around the house looking at your watch, sighing, trying your best to be patient while your wife is still in the bedroom or bathroom curling her hair, applying make-up or whatever. You were supposed to be there now, but you haven’t even left yet.

God help us if we peek into the room to see how they’re coming along — “The more you watch me the longer it’s going to take!” (How exactly does that work anyway? All these years of dating and marriage and the reasoning behind that still escapes me.)

I’m pretty sure the amount of time it takes to curl hair and the like pretty much remains a constant. So, it only stands to reason that it could be calculated in advance to determine the optimum time to begin getting ready so the departure time is sufficient to arrive at the destination at the agreed time. But through some law of feminine physics or math, this doesn’t work out. It seems to be some sort of “female math” from some alternate dimension that only women can understand, so I’ll never get it.

I’m sure there’s no shortage of male traits that women find absolutely exasperating. I’m very sure, because I hear them from time to time (there are six males and only two females in my house, so why do we have to keep putting the lid down? Shouldn’t they leave it up?). And I know women just can’t understand many of the dumb things guys do. But until and unless the day ever comes when I’m better able to understand, look for me to keep trying to cut in line in front of you at the drive-through and lying about what time we’re really supposed to be there so I can pad my time by at least an hour.

Ben Compton is a Palmer resident and publishes his column under the tagline “Compton’s Corner,” the same title used by his grandmother, Phyllis Compton, a longtime Frontiersman columnist.