Sports fan — the original know-it-all

OK, sports fans. It's the best time of the year for sports junkies. Major League Baseball is coming down the home stretch, the NFL and college football has begun and soon the NHL and even the NBA will be back at it.

If you’re a junkie — and it’s OK to admit it — you have to watch the pre-game analysis first on ESPN and then on your local stations, then catch the network analysts just before the game. You have plenty of cold beverages and nachos on hand and several buddies warmed up to scream at the television. More likely than not, most of the ensuing screaming is at the officials.

Heaven knows sports give us plenty to debate, and not just on the gridiron. Was Tennessee's Music City Miracle against Buffalo an illegal forward pass or a lateral? Was Dallas in the crease on that final goal against the Sabres in the Stanley Cup Finals? How can officials fail to miss what we see on replay? What’s the tuck rule anyway?

Finally fed up with my bellyaching, my sister Cindy sent up a great game for me to while away all the dark hours of my first Alaska winter called "Rules of the Game." According to Cindy and the box, this game is "for those of you who think you know."

How humbling to realize I'm not the world's greatest authority on every sport. If you are like I used to be and think you know, try these:

1. Pro basketball — Can a coach talk with an official during a time-out called by his own team?

2. Pro football — John catches a kickoff and sprints up the sideline. He is inbounds, but bumps the line judge, who is standing out-of-bounds at the 15 yard line. Is the ball blown dead there or does the play continue?

3. Baseball — Bases are loaded with no outs. The batter hits a line drive that bounces off the runner's chest while he is standing on third. The third baseman picks up the ball, fires home and the catcher throws to first to finish the double play. Is this a double play? If not, what is the correct ruling?

4. Golf — A pinecone is blown across a green and strikes a ball at rest near the hole and knocks it into the hole. What is the ruling?

5. Baseball — After a walk, the batter trots halfway to first and calls time. He then heads for the dugout. A speedy pinch runner replaces him and takes his position at first. The pitcher, after stepping on the rubber, throws to first and appeals to the umpire that the batter is out because he never touched first base. Is this correct?

I'll give you the answers a little later.

I’ve been toying with the idea of growing my hair back. I’ve shaved my head for years (mostly because I think it makes me look mean, but really just gives off an Uncle Fester vibe) and it’s been a long time since I sported a lush mane. The only problem is I don’t want the experience of growing it back. I want to go from bald to lush in a snap. There are too many awkward phases between.

Didn't know there are hair growth phases? Well, there are, and it's very scientific. Being bald is also my professional wrestler phase, but if you start seeing a difference, here’s the official chart of hair growth:

• Two days growth: The too-lazy-to-shave-your-head phase. There's a shadow, but you don't know what's going on up there.

• Four days growth: The cantaloupe stage. At this point, my head actually feels like a cantaloupe. You'll just have to take my word on that.

• Six days growth: The ever-popular peach fuzz stage. Also, this is the stage people start asking if you're growing your hair back.

• 10 days growth: Brillo head. In elementary school we used to call people with curly hair this, but this is the true origin of the moniker.

• 14 days growth: Skinhead. I'm not a skinhead, but I've been asked.

• 18 days growth: A cross between Brillo head and military plebe.

• 21 days growth: Military plebe. It looks like a bad haircut that took 30 seconds with a hedge clipper. This is where the temptation to shave your head again is the greatest.

If by 21 days you don’t have enough hair for a good cut and style, you’re relegated to about a week with the Jim Carey bowl-on-the-head do from Dumb and Dumber.

Sports rules answers:

1. No. Only the captain of the team that called the time-out can talk to an official.

2. The ball is blown dead at the 15 yard line.

3. No. The runner who was hit by the ball is out. The ball is dead. The batter gets first base and the runners move up one base.

4. In this situation, the pinecone is considered an outside agency. The ball must be replaced without penalty.

5. No. The umpire should not have granted time until the batter reached first. Since the umpire allowed the substitution, it must be considered legal.