Supporting teens as they navigate questions of faith

Last week, my cousin sent me a message asking if I take in troubled relatives. I love living in Alaska, and I’m generally excited to have anyone visit. But her tongue-in-cheek request introduced an opportunity to support a parent struggling to navigate a rough road. I don’t pretend to have all the answers; there is no quick fix in relationships or faith. Parenting is hard. And teens can be especially challenging due to various issues, including developmental stage, conflicting social pressures, and parental expectations.

In the context of growth and development, teens are beginning to make more of their own decisions about how and where to spend their time and effort. The teenage brain is entering the second period of rapid growth, creating new neural pathways and connections. The frontal cortex, or executive functioning area of the brain, will not be fully developed until the mid-twenties. Stress responses and the developmental impacts of childhood trauma further impede their ability to learn and apply (think, store and retrieve) more complex information—this is true for adults too. Hormonal and sexual development bring mood swings and awkward changes to body, voice, and sense of self.

At the same time, social groups and peers have a greater influence on our children. Teens are more likely to submit to peer pressure, act without considering consequences, experiment with unhealthy substances or behaviors, and rebel against norms or expectations. This is normal and expected. (Unless you don’t expect it—then teenage development can seem out of control and scary.)

As teens develop their spiritual identities, they may question the faith that seemed stable when they were younger. Their doubt can seem eternally daunting. Make time to listen to their worries and perspectives. Encourage them to explore and identify their values and motivation. Invite them to seek answers following a pattern of personal witness or revelation. Have honest conversations with teens when they want to talk and discover what behaviors make them feel safe, loved, accepted, and heard.

We want our kids to make good choices, to be happy, to be obedient. But ultimately, they are going to wander from the path. The challenge for parents is how to respond in those wandering moments. Parents’ expectations and childhood experiences influence their reactions to their kids. If parents and faith leaders recognize and name their emotions and the natural desire to fix our kids’ problems, it can provide more space to be present and supportive.

When our teens express doubts, it is easy to respond in fear or to seek to motivate with shame. It’s tempting to try to compel our children to do what is right, laying down ultimatums like, “As long as you live in my house, you will attend church, pray,” etc. But whether we are dealing with a child, a spouse or partner, or a friend whose life experience and perspective doesn’t match our own (and I’ll give you a hint—nobody’s experience or perspective will precisely align with yours), human nature resists coercion. Few things make us dig in our heels, like being told we HAVE to do this or CAN’T do that.

Try to be mindful of your reactions and desires to rescue and protect the kids in your life. We all learn through experience. Just because we know or suspect, what the outcomes of their choices may be, doesn’t mean we can spare them the heartache of their missteps. We cannot give anyone the wisdom that comes through the daily practice of faith or the insight we gain from adversity. Allowing children to experience the natural consequences of their choices and make decisions when the stakes are small builds their confidence and ability to deal with the more significant stresses they will certainly face.

We can use our Heavenly Father as the perfect parenting example and guide. He loves all his children. He wants us to be happy and to be able to live with him again. He has laid the path to joy and eternal life by giving us commandments, teaching us through prophets and scripture, and inviting us to repent and return when we feel his Spirit prompting us to return to the path and follow his Son. But God does not compel us to make the right choices. He knew we would all fall short, make mistakes, and wander from the path. That is part of the plan. It’s expected. It’s okay.

God listens when we talk to him. He hears our prayers; he knows our insecurities. God sees our potential more clearly than we can. And more than anything—he loves us. He loves us when we are doing well and when we struggle. He loves us whether we are obedient or living up to our potential or say or do hurtful things. His love is constant. His commandments are eternal and never change. And so is his love.

Regarding God’s love, John observed, “We love him, because he first loved us” (1 John 4:19). And Paul testified that “neither death, nor life, nor angels…nor powers…nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ” (Romans 8:38-39).

If we can reflect God’s love for our children, they will feel it. No message is as important to believe and express than “I will always love you, no matter what. You can always come back. We can get through anything together.”

If you cannot identify your own safety needs, what makes you feel understood and important, or what kind of communication fosters your engagement and growth, I invite you to explore those questions. As you practice recognizing and naming your feelings, thoughts, and beliefs you can establish personal boundaries to help you feel safe enough to express them. Model compassion and love—for yourself, and your parents, and your kids. Ask God to help. He loves you and he loves them too.

**If you feel like you need more support in parenting kids of any age, register for Alaska Children’s Trust’s Circle of Security parenting class, presented online on Tuesday, April 12, 2023, from 6:30-8:00 pm. You will learn how to read your child’s emotional needs, support emotional regulation, and enhance confidence and self-esteem. Register or learn more at alaskachildrenstrust.org/child-abuse-prevention-month.

Amity Condie is a parent and trauma treatment therapist. She has lived in Palmer since 2004 and seeks to expand opportunities for growth and healing. She is a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.