Take care when tending the garden

August 6, 2006

VALLEY VOICES/Chuck Legge

Ahhh. Do you smell that? Campaign season is in bloom. It wafts from our radios and TVs and springs from the printed page in precious little buds.

One perennial of the season is the Outsider. It's a remarkable phylum with a widely varied appearance. Some may look rough and thorny. Others seem soft and pleasing. Some grow tall and straight while others hug the ground and twist through the undergrowth.

Some Outsiders have no scent. Some smell sweet and some have a decidedly not-sweet smell. There may be those of you who remember the aroma of the Campanous Governum Lindauer that bloomed briefly in 1998. This particular Outsider had a sharp and jarring smell that assaulted nostrils from Barrow to Ketchikan. Its season was, thankfully, short lived.

There are species that masquerade as Outsiders in order to hide their true nature.

The Representarium Vic Kohringus is one such sprout. This plant is hard to weed out because it keeps changing its location. It is believed to change locale by hitching a ride on an RV, and then rooting in any number of convenient regions. It has even been spotted as far away as Oregon.

The Representarium Vic Kohringus gets its nourishment by sending roots into the muck and extracting sustenance on a daily or per diem basis.

In the end, this bulb is just your garden-variety politico.

The Regent Murkowskum is not an Outsider. Until recently, it was found in Washington, D.C., growing fat and strong on that city's special brand of fertilizer. Some say it has the scent of natural gas, but I don't think so. I think it smells like hot air, but we could debate this for 45 years or more and not come to a meaningful conclusion.

Regent Murkowskum is a fast-moving shrub that jets from one place to another. It needs a relatively large field to land on and so avoids smaller areas.

One area it hasn't avoided is Juneau. In fact, it has been seen trying to displace the plant life in the Judiciary and Legislative greenhouses. Fortunately, the vegetation in these two houses is hardy enough to withstand the Regent.

This year's most noticeable Outsider used to be an Insider. The Challengeranium Sarah was once a hothouse flower that enjoyed a comfortable and prominent place in the Republican garden. Unfortunately, Randy, the Republican gardener, was harvesting one day and brushed the Challengeranium Sarah the wrong way. The flower's thorns sunk into Randy's hand and caused him quite a bit of pain. From then until now, poor little Challengeranium has been on the outside of that political patch.

While Challengeranium Sarah is a definite Outsider, it seems to be making inroads all over the state. It has been popping up everywhere in the shape of big red billboards, and there are rumors it may overtake the Regent Murkowskum. It remains to be seen if this plant is a flower, or just another weed.

This season is full of all sorts of political plant life. We have Outsiders, Insiders, Upsiders, Downsiders and Lopsiders. There is a vegetable for every taste, but be warned. The longer you dally in the garden the more apt you are to develop a scratchy throat, itchy eyes and runny nose.

Sutton resident Chuck Legge is a free-lance cartoonist whose work appears in every edition of the Frontiersman. His Valley Voices guest opinion column appears here every four weeks.