Talent is as talent does

July 10, 2007

Razor's Edge / Greg Johnson

Miss America needs a makeover.

For years the organizers of the Miss America pageant have been scratching their heads over our waning attention. How can we not be fascinated by America's most talented, beautiful women and their dynamic personalities?

This contest has the five ingredients for success:

€ Beautiful women.

€ Talent.

€ Beautiful women in evening gowns.

€ Personality.

€ Beautiful women in bathing suits.

Who really watches the Miss America pageant for the contestants' personalities? Probably the same men who read Playboy for the articles. Can't remember the last time I was bowled over by a candidate's personality.

&#8220Boy, her outlook on life is so refreshing. She wants to become a pediatrician because she loves children, and at the same time eliminate world hunger.”

Pa-lease! Get rid of it. That the 2007 pageant was in Las Vegas this year made no difference in attracting a wider audience. Seems what happens in Vegas really does stay in Vegas.

As for the bathing suit competition, I gather the reason all the women wear these is so judges can better evaluate their bodies on an even keel. If this is the case, why not just parade them around the stage naked? (Not that this would be a far leap.)

My main gripe with the Miss America contest is the talent competition. Where's the talent? How many times can we hear a stirring rendition of &#8220The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow,” watch contestants tap-dance their way into our hearts or twirl those dangerous flaming batons?

Let's see some real talent. Tame some lions, lay some brick or perform exploratory surgery - anything that takes actual talent.

Know what talent I'd like to see? Lying. I'd love to see one of these contestants strut on stage in an evening gown, teeth slathered with Vaseline, and rip off an incredible pack of lies.

Want to impress me? Haul some drywall, raise a barn, rebuild a small-block Chevy, arm wrestle a prison matron. If it's a choice between Miss Texas who can keep 27 Hula-Hoops going at one time and Miss Rhode Island who jackhammers her way into the bank vault next door, there's no competition.

I hope event organizers will keep these ideas in mind when planning the 2008 extravaganza. In the meantime, here are my:

Top 10 Talents I'd Like To See Performed at the Miss America Pageant

10. Distance tobacco spitting.

9. Mine sweeping.

8. Table dancing.

7. Steroid popping. (Sorry, that's a talent for the Mr. America contest.)

6. Hostage negotiation.

5. Writing Top 10 lists.

4. Alligator wrestling.

3. Hazardous waste removal.

2. Chainsaw ice carving.

1. Espionage.