Tell the ‘truth’ about life in Alaska

As the recession continues to roll across the country and unemployment remains stagnant despite the gazillion new jobs President Barack Obama says he’s creating every day, my wife and I are getting more and more calls from friends in the Lower 48.

They’re asking about Alaska — the climate, the culture, etc. History proves that during times of national recession/depression, Alaska sees a boom of in migration from the rest of the country. So, rather than take time out of my day to keep answering the same questions over and over, I thought I would answer some of the most common questions here.

That way, not only will my friends (who follow our local paper online) see the answers, but perhaps your friends can, too. Feel free to cut this out and send it to anybody you know who is considering moving to Alaska.

Is it really dark

around the clock?

Yes, except when it’s daylight around the clock. Which days are which is determined by the Department of Daylight in Juneau. Basically, the weekdays are all dark but we can count on round-the-clock daylight on most weekends. For certain holidays, we are granted extra daylight. However, as the state looks for ways to better balance its budget we may see at least one weekend per month remain dark. There is currently a proposal to begin turning off the daylight every year on the Fourth of July, but it is highly unlikely to pass.

The only exception to Alaska daylight regulation laws is the town of Barrow. Barrow was allowed to have about one month straight of around-the-clock darkness every year in order to keep the temperature down as a method of dealing with its zombie problem.

Everybody knows zombies can’t survive in the cold. However, this had the unexpected effect of creating a vampire infestation.

So now they also have several weeks of around-the-clock daylight in the summer to drive out the winter buildup of vampires. Then the cycle continues, keeping nature in balance and all that.

How do you deal with the snow?

With dogsleds, duh. Whereas you in the Lower 48 may have car dealerships, we have dog and sled dealerships. In fact, I just got a heck of a deal on a slightly used husky team. Low miles, still under warranty. I’m having the auto-start installed this week.

My cousin went there last summer. The photos were beautiful. I didn’t see any snow.

Alaska law requires that every May 30 through Sept. 15, all snow must be shoveled off the ground, trees, houses, etc., and placed out on the road, where it is then collected and pitched over the fence into Canada.

But he said it was warm

Your cousin is a liar. We tell all tourists they have to lie when they return home or they can’t come up here ever again.

How do you deal with polar bears?

Carefully. We have a polar bear infestation. They’re literally everywhere, but since they’re protected, we’re not allowed to harass them in any way. Therefore, they have free reign of the whole state. Sort of like cows in India, they just go where they please. The other day, I came around a corner in Wal-Mart only to have a big polar bear butt blocking the chips and snacks aisle. A smart Alaskan always keeps a bag of beef jerky in his pocket so if a polar bear is in the way, he can throw some jerky on the ground and quietly make his/her way to the car or bus stop in the morning.

What about the moose?

Moose are actually more dangerous than bears. Moose quietly hide in the brush, waiting to pounce the first person who passes. They’re nature’s very own muggers. Nothing makes a moose happier than when he’s stomping on somebody. It’s not uncommon for is by this cruelest of beasts — if he hasn’t seen a person to stomp on in days — to try and break into your house where they will then quietly make their way to your bathroom and hide in the shower to ambush the poor person who gets up in the middle of the night to take care of business.

Will any of my clothes work up there?

No. Babies in Alaska are all born hairy and bearded. Even the girls (the ratio showing more men than women in Alaska is a myth. It’s just that outsiders usually can’t tell us apart). This is because the cold makes the mothers’ bodies adapt and give birth to hairy children. When a child is born, he or she is immediately dressed in long underwear, dirty Carhartts (yes, you can buy them pre-soiled), a smelly flannel shirt, Bunny boots and a stocking cap. And they will remain thusly attired for their whole life. If somebody moves to Alaska, he or she must adapt quickly and adopt a similar method of dress if they are to assimilate and survive.

No way! My best friend lives in Anchorage

and doesn’t look or dress like that!

Duh. Your friend lives in Anchorage. This article is about Alaska, not California. You are talking apples and oranges. Anchorage is a separate state, kind of like Vatican City in Italy. Anchorage is completely surrounded by a 30-foot wall to protect Anchorage residents from the dangers of Alaska and so Alaskans can feel better that the Anchorage people are kept contained.

It’s popular with Lower 48 folks who want to live in Alaska but just can’t quite bring themselves to actually, well, live in Alaska. So Anchorage is as close as they get. Anchorage residents are easily spotted outside of their country and are carefully monitored until they return. Over the years, several attempts have been made by these people to move to Alaska proper, but so far all have failed. The poor souls inevitably return to Anchorage in order to survive. Many even return to the Lower 48 from whence they originated.

Tell me about that oil money you guys get

I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Yes you do! Tell me!

Oh that. Um, it’s a myth. We don’t really get that.

So there you go. A small sampling of the most common questions I get from friends and family in the Lower 48. As you can see, Alaska is a cold, dark and extremely expensive place to live. As a friend, family member, or just all-around good guy, I feel it is my duty and responsibility to talk you out of moving up here. Gosh, if only I was a smart as you and had stayed in the Lower 48 when I had a chance.

Please, dear friend, learn from my mistake and stay where you are. If you must move, move to California — nice, sunny California! Now, if you’ll pardon me I have to cut this column off. I’m late meeting my wife at Starbucks, er, I mean, the local community warming hut, and I haven’t yet found my flashlight, anti-moose bat or bag of beef jerky for bear distraction.

Ben Compton is a Palmer resident and publishes his column under the tagline “Compton’s Corner,” the same title used by his grandmother, Phyllis Compton, a longtime Frontiersman columnist.