Terror in the barnyard: A feathered fable

Once upon a time there was a little chicken with a bad combover named The Donald. Now The Donald may have been just a small chicken but he was full of verve and bluster and told anyone who would listen that he was going to be huge, which sounded more like “uge” when pushed through his little beak.

But, for all of The Donald’s bravado he was actually afraid of quite a few things. Things like immigrant chickens from Mexico. He called them a bunch of bandy roosters bent only on cock fighting and proposed electrifying the wire around his chicken coop to keep them out. He was also afraid of refugee chickens from Syria. You know the type. Orphan chicks and old cluckers bringing Sharia Law to the barnyard. He wanted to keep them out too. is plan was to ask these expatriates if they planned to blow up any chickens here in the chicken coop. If they answered yes, out they go. The Donald was clever that way. Yes he had quite a few fears, but he masked them with bombast and crowing.

Well one day while The Donald was strutting around the barnyard he wandered under the old acorn tree. At that moment he let out a loud cock-a-doodle-dandy, which shook a branch, which dislodged an acorn, which fell square on his combover. “Oh my God! The sky is falling!” thought The Donald. “This is UGE! I’ll bet it’s the fault of those refugees from Syria. I have to tell the farmer!”

On his way to tell the farmer he came upon Lenny Leghorn sipping his tea.

“Where are you going in such a hurry?” asked Lenny as he looked up from his teacup.

Now everyone knows Leghorns are a very productive bird, but they tend to be a little excitable, so The Donald thought: “I need to be careful with my response.”

“Careful Schmareful,” The Donald crowed. “The sky is falling! The sky is falling! We’re all going to die!”

“I knew this day was coming!” said Lenny as he flapped his flightless wings and sprayed tea everywhere. “I've been predicting this forever. It’s because we have a Kenyan from Hawaii in the White House!”

“Well actually I thought it was because of those refugee terrorists,” said The Donald. “But you may have a point.”

“Anyway, I’m on my way to tell the farmer and I could use a wingman,” said The Donald. Care to join me?”

“I’m with you,” said Lenny. “Finally, someone who says what I’ve been thinking for years.”

And off the two of them strutted down the road to the farmers house.

A little farther on they came upon Ducky Dissident polishing his flamethrower.

“Where are you two going and why are you unarmed?” asked Ducky. “Don’t you believe in the 2nd amendment?”

“The sky is falling! The sky is falling! We’re all going to die!” shouted The Donald and Lenny.

“I knew this day was coming.” said Ducky as he scrunched up his beak to suppress a smile. “That sky wouldn’t dare try a thing like this if more of us were armed. Weaponized poultry is the answer!”

“Good point,” said The Donald and Lenny. “We’re on our way to tell the farmer and we could use some protection.”

“I’m your bird,” said Ducky, so he strapped the flamethrower on his back and off they went.

Around the next bend the trio came upon Goosey Floozy pruning her pin feathers.

“Where are you boys going?” asked Goosey in a low seductive honk.

“The sky is falling! The sky is falling!” The triad shouted. “We’re all going to die!”

“I knew this day was coming,” said Goosey. “Its’ because we lack family values.”

“And because we have too many divorce laws,” added The Donald.

“You’re a bird after my own heart,” said Goosey. “Could you boys use some company?”

“Cock-a doodle-dandy!” crowed The Donald. And off they all went.

A little farther down the road they came upon Turkey Jerky reading the latest issue of Oil and Gas Journal.

“Where’s everyone going on such a fine chilly day?” asked Turkey.

“The sky is falling! The sky is falling! We’re all going to die!” the four sang out.

“I knew this day was coming,” said Turkey. “And I’ll bet it’s a plot by those leftist climate change radicals. I’m sure there are dozens of articles by respected oil company scientists that prove that the sky has fallen plenty of times before. But will these agenda driven provocateurs listen to reason? Noooo. The sky is falling so we have trash the economy to save the planet. Boo hoo.”

“Well, we’re on our way to tell the farmer and we could use a voice of reason,” said The Donald. “Would you like to join us?”

“Count me in,” said Turkey, and off they went.

About a mile farther on they came upon Foxie Fascist waxing his mustache.

“Where are all of you going on such a dark, foreboding day?” asked Foxie.

“The sky is falling! The sky is falling! We’re all going to die!” the five screamed.

“Well I have noticed a change of late,” said Foxie. “What do you plan to do about it?”

“We’re on our way to tell the farmer,” said The Donald.

“Hmm, good plan,” said Foxie. “But do any of you know where the farmer lives?”

They all looked at each other and then The Donald said: “We hadn’t really thought that far ahead.”

“Not to worry,” said Foxie. “I know the way. Just follow me.”

And off they went.

A little farther on they came to the opening of Foxie’s den.

“This is the entrance to a secret passage to the farmer’s house,” said Foxie. “After you, folks.”

And in they all went.

“By the way, Ducky,” said Foxie. “That’s a fine looking flamethrower you have there. Mind if I look at it? Now what do you all think of turduckin with goose gravy?”

The moral of the story: Don’t be consumed by your fears. Especially if you’re packing a flamethrower.

Chuck Legge is a freelance political cartoonist and community columnist who lives in Sutton. His political cartoons, “The World According to Chuck,” are printed in the Mat-Su Valley Frontiersman and other newspapers around the state and nation.