The ‘Divided States of America’

In 2011, the Obama administration launched the “We the People” initiative. It’s a website that allows you to compose a petition on any subject, gripe or aluminum foil-inspired idea that enters your head.

The president wanted to create a forum for ordinary citizens that would make it easier for their voices to be heard. We’ve recently heard a lot about this site, and it appears a significant portion of the public has Tourette’s syndrome. Since the Nov. 6, 2013, election and the subsequent re-election of President Obama, petitions to secede from the Union have been entered by all 50 states.

This isn’t necessarily game over for the United States of America. A certain bar has to be reached for the petitions to be legitimate. First, to remain on the website a petition has to have 150 signatures, and then to receive a response from the White House has to have at least 25,000 signatures. Well, the first bar of 150 signers has been stumbled over by all 50 states, but the second 25,000-signature threshold is a little harder to reach. So far only a handful of the “I’ll hold my breath until I turn red” states have managed it. Among them is my all-time favorite state, Texas.

I love Texas. It’s a real go-to state for a political satirist. Contrary to popular belief, there is nothing in the Texas Constitution that allows it to secede from the other 49 states. There is, however, a section in its Declaration of Independence that clearly states: “The people have the right to alter their government in such manner as they might think proper.” So really what they are saying is they don’t limit themselves to secession; they could go the other way. We could wake up tomorrow and find that Texas has expand its sovereignty to the rest of us. We could all be a part of Texas. Anyone who has driven through that state should now feel a chill running down their spines. The upside of this is Texas could now reclaim it’s mine is bigger than yours title that was lost when that interloper Alaska entered the contest.

But fear not America, or Alaska. Texas has no designs on the United States. As of this writing, Texans have 100,000 signatures and counting. So now the White House has to issue an official response. One can only speculate, but I think it might go something like this: “Eleven score and about nineteen years ago, our fathers brought fourth on this continent, a nation conceived in liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal. That this nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom, and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not parish from the earth. Unless you live in Texas. See ya’ guys.”

Now, no one has said secession has to be bloody. The rest of us could just send Texas on its way and that would be that. What would we be loosing? The George W. Bush Presidential Library? Tempting as that sounds, I’m not too sure we should let Texas go wandering off on its own. After all, we are a family of states and as such we have an obligation to each other, even when one of us is stamping our collective feet and loudly proclaiming that we’re not the boss of him.

So, what do we do with Texas? The answer is right in front of us if we just take the time to look. As mentioned earlier, all 50 states have started petitions to secede from the United States. All we have to do now is gather the signatures, and voila! The Texas problem is solved. All of us can leave together and Texas doesn’t have to run away from home. In fact, home is running away with Texas. Of course, that presents another problem. If we are all leaving, just whom are we seceding from?

The general consensus is we are walking out on The District of Columbia, where all those odious politicians live. You know, the ones we keep re-electing. But if we are all in secession mode, then we’re probably taking our politicians with us. We will, however, be shed of that African American guy whom the majority of us voted for — twice. But an entire nation seceding from one person doesn’t seem like a proper secession at all. It’s a little like saying that in the last election we decided to secede from Mitt Romney. No, for secession to have real impact it has to involve more than the ditching of one guy.

So back to the original problem. We have to secede from something, but what? Once again Texas comes through. Austin, the capitol of that state, has started a little petition of its own. It says that if Texas secedes from the Union, Austin would like to secede from Texas. I am not making this up. This is the solution to our secession dilemma.

Austin is the capitol of Texas and is therefore a seat of government, and that government has been busy trampling the freedoms of all freedom loving freedom guys. And gals, did you know that Austin’s city government has a Disadvantaged Business Enterprise Program? While I know nothing about it, the title alone sounds like it is promoting something that puts free enterprise at a disadvantage. What’s next, death panels? And the unofficial slogan for the city is “Keep Austin Weird.” What a bunch of hippy loving tumbleweed huggers. Austin is clearly a place that needs to be seceded from.

So, a solution is at hand. We can all secede from the city of Austin. Or we can wait for it to secede from us. Either way it’s problem solved for the “Divided States of America.” By the way, I took the liberty of christening us with the new name. If you don’t like it, you can always secede.

Chuck Legge is a freelance political cartoonist and community columnist who lives in Sutton.