The love of parents

“Wherever Mother is can become a sanctified place, safe from the storms of life. Refuge is there because of her ability to nurture and to love unconditionally” (Russell M. Nelson, president and prophet of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, 1989).

This quote has hung on my wall for nearly 30 years. I can’t say that I have felt like I’m a perfect umbrella that protects my kids from all of the storms of life, or that I achieved “refuge” status, but this thought gave me hope that my work as a mother would matter.

Now, I watch my daughters and daughter-in-law love and nurture their young children and I see it: they are a refuge for their children. They are the safe place, the warm heart, the tender hug. They are the constant guidance, the firm discipline, the safety. It’s true! If you are a parent, even if you don’t “feel” like you are special, you are. Fathers also create a place of refuge and safety for their families. What parents provide is so foundational it is often unnoticed by the children for many, many years.

Our youngest son recently understood the value of the jobs his father gave him throughout his young life, which he didn’t particularly like, when those jobs made him qualified for a very good job. He suddenly understood that his father had been looking out for him all along, and he is eager to talk to his dad when he calls. What they talk about is not necessarily exciting, but talking to dad provides comfort.

What are some things we can do to ensure that we are a “refuge” and a “sure foundation” for our kids?

The most important refuge we give our kids is to love them unconditionally. Over the years I have had the opportunity to watch my mother’s response to occasionally offensive words or behaviors by her grown kids—even with the best of intentions offenses happen. She swallowed them down and kept on loving, getting the family together, and participating. She could have withdrawn her love or exited from the children. I appreciate her example of “staying in the game” and letting love guide her response. Love looks a lot of different ways. Some parents speak their love or are physically demonstrative. Some parents are present and interested in their kids. Kids seem to adapt to their parents’ show of love, and most parents don’t show love perfectly…sometimes it takes a lifetime to really understand the love that has been expressed.

Another important moment in parenting is to be present at the crossroads. When your kids are going and coming, make it a point to be home to send them off and greet them, as much as you can. I always appreciated coming home in the wee hours of the morning and knowing my mom would be waiting up for me, often sleeping on the sofa. I tried to be near the door when my kids were heading out or coming in. When you are present, they never forget that you love them and are there for them. You get to see how they are doing: How is their countenance? What’s on their mind?

Another way to create a refuge for your kids is to spend time together: quantity and quality. Family activities are great—take your kids along when you have adventures. Spend time in your home reading and teaching the principles you believe are important. Have regular devotionals with your kids. When I was a child our family vacationed at my grandpa’s house across the state. We had outings and games, time at a cabin in the mountains, and visits with relatives. Those trips could not be matched today by any cruise or exotic vacation. It doesn’t matter what you do. It matters most that you take time to do it.

“The easiest thing to do is to support great causes, sign stirring petitions, endorse grand philosophies. The hardest thing to do—and it is getting harder all of the time—is to be a good husband, a good wife, a strong father, a strong mother, an honorable friend and neighbor. The truly good deeds are the small, everyday actions of ordinary life” taught Elder Anthony D. Perkins of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

You don’t have to cruise to the Bahamas to show your kids love and give them a sense of security and belonging. Be present, make the regular times good, and those good regular moments will accumulate into becoming a true place of refuge for your children.

Beth Wright and her husband Kerry have raised their four children in the Matanuska-Susitna valley and find great joy in being members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.