The next lesson

Being Frank, by Frank Ameduri

Good morning class. This is lesson two of Duh 101: Lowlife Skills. In a recent column I bemoaned the fact that our criminals are not well-prepared for their careers, and it's an embarrassment to us all. One of the featured crimes in that column was the spree of masked bandito robberies that swept through the Valley during the late summer. One such masked stick-up recently ended in arrests, so we're going to focus upon some critical lessons that can be learned from this failed crime.

First, a little background. The masked bandito in this case entered the store in question wielding a hammer -- instead of the pistol used in some of the other robberies. He got the money, but forgot to tell the cashier to lay down on the floor and count to three zillion before calling the police or writing down license plate numbers and such. The robber then got into the get-away car, and the team sped away into the night. Not being preoccupied by counting to three zillion, the cashier decided to run out the front door and try to get the license plate number. While he wasn't able to do that, he did notice that the getaway car had "distinctive" taillights. He told that to police, and the taillights were spotted by an alert officer who then made the arrests. Okay …

Lesson one here should seem pretty obvious. If you've decided to go into the armed robbery business, don't get your weapon out of the tool drawer in the kitchen. It's likely here that this robber had recently worked in the construction business, and it didn't pan out. All I can think is, thank heavens his last job didn't involve giving enemas. Can you imagine staring across the counter at a wild-eyed robber wielding a loaded enema bag? "Don't make me use this!" Trust me, that would have prompted a lot more respect from the cashier. He would have counted to six gazillion without even being asked.

Anyway, now on to the taillights problem. In the popular book, Armed Robbery For Dummies, there's an important footnote that states, "When selecting a get-away car, steer clear of any features that could be described as 'distinctive.' For instance, if your only car is the Oscar Mayer Wiener mobile, you should take a cab to your robbery." This is great advice. Like if your car used to belong to a pest control company, and it's bright yellow with big antennae, leave it home.

Now, once the officer spotted the car and made the stop, things started to go very wrong for the alleged robbers. When the officer walked up to the car, there appeared to be only two people inside -- the driver and a girl on the passenger side. The officer asked a few questions and maybe made a comment on the nice tail lights and then decided to press the issue. He asked for permission to search the vehicle. The conversation may have gone something like this:

Officer: May I search the vehicle?

Driver: Sure.

Officer: Can you pop the trunk, please?

Driver: (looks over at the girl. She rolls her eyes)

Officer: Can you pop the trunk please?

Driver: Oh, uh … I didn't know you meant the trunk.

Officer: It's part of the car, isn't it?

Girl: Just open the trunk, idiot.

Important lesson here. If your name is something like Jethro Bodine, you have a hammer for a weapon and distinctive taillights, DO NOT select Gomer Pyle to be your wheel man. At this point I think Gomer went back to the trunk and started shouting. "Okay, officer. I'm opening the trunk now! I'm putting the keys in the thingy and OP-E-NING THE TRUNK." There was probably some shuffling around in the trunk as Jethro tried to squeeze in under the spare tire. It's unclear how Jethro got into the trunk in the first place, but it's important to note that once the officer has decided you might be in there, it's really hard to get away on foot. Fortunately, Jethro was smart enough to know better than to leap out and try to do some rough carpentry on the police officer's forehead. That would have been really stupid.

Anyway, you pretty much know what happened next. The press release from the police department said a person was found in the trunk along with some physical evidence that may have been linked to the crime. I'm thinking that evidence consisted of a hammer, a bag of money and a half-eaten bag of spicy Cajun pork rinds.

The bottom line is really this. Dumb people should not commit crimes. If you're thinking of turning to crime as a career, you're probably dumb. Thus … well, you figure it out.

Frank Ameduri doesn't really think we need smarter criminals … he does believe we need fewer.