The Razor's Edge:

Follow the rules to find true love

August 24, 2007

By Greg Johnson

Generally, I'm a confident guy. I know what I need to do and I do it, knowing I possess the skills and intelligence to complete the task.

This has been true through most of my adult life. I have a passion for community journalism that's stronger now that it was my first day on the job when I couldn't ask any question in a way that didn't make me look like an idiot. I'm happy, self-assured, don't have much of a temper and foster a secret desire (secret until now, that is) to someday try my hand at stand-up comedy.

When it comes to figuring out what women want in a man, I admit I haven't a clue. I've been engaged twice and am still fast friends with both. I date and am a disciple of the old school where a man puts a woman on a pedestal. I was out with a friend the other night and the talk progressed to being an older single person, which set my mind to really considering four basic truths working against me:

€ I'm 38 years old, an age by which most statistics say odds are against my settling down.

€ I live in Alaska, where the ratio of women to men is sometimes as great as 5:1.

€ I'm not the bad boy. I don't have any tattoos, don't drink, am not wanted in seven states for a dozen violent felonies. I'm no wimp, but definitely don't have that bad-to-the-bone image.

€ I'm not a rock star.

Then it struck me - I've been examining this from the wrong angle all along. I should be considering what women want from men (besides taking out the trash and leaving the seat down - both of which I'm great at).

Just as this was coming to me, enter Cormac McCarthy, an old high school buddy I trade e-mails with and see whenever the occasion permits. I don't know where he got them, but he's passed on wisdom every man should share. So, I give you:

A Woman's 50 Rules for Men

1. Call.

2. Don't lie.

3. Never tape any of her body parts together.

4. If guys' night out is going to be fun, invite the girls.

5. If guys' night out is going to involve strippers, remember the zoo rules: No petting.

6. The correct answer to, "Do I look fat?" is never, ever, "Yes."

7. Ditto for, "Is she prettier than me?"

8. Victoria's Secret is good. Frederick's of Hollywood is bad.

9. Ordering for her is good. Telling her what she wants is bad.

10. Being attentive is good. Stalking is bad.

11. "Honey," "darling" and "sweetheart" are good. "Nag," "battleaxe" and "ball-and-chain" are bad.

12. Talking is good. Shouting is bad. Slapping is a felony.

13. A grunt is seldom an acceptable answer to any question.

14. None of your ex-girlfriends were ever nicer, prettier or better in bed.

15. Her cooking is excellent.

16. That isn't an excuse for you to avoid cooking.

17. Dish soap is your friend.

18. Hat does not equal shower, aftershave does not equal soap and warm does not equal clean.

19. Buying her dinner does not equal foreplay.

20. Answering, "Who was that on the phone?" with "nobody" is never going to end that conversation.

21. Ditto for, "Whose lipstick is this?"

22. Two words: Clean socks.

23. Believe it or not, you're probably not more attractive when you're drunk.

24. Burping is not sexy.

25. You're wrong.

26. You're sorry.

27. She is probably less impressed by your discourse on your cool car than you think she is.

28. Ditto for your discourse on football.

29. Ditto for your ability to jump up and hit any awning in a single bound.

30. "Will you marry me?" is good. "Let's shack up together" is bad.

31. Don't assume PMS is the cause for every bad mood.

32. Don't assume PMS doesn't exist.

33. No means no. Yes means yes. Silence could mean anything she feels like at that particular moment in time, and it could change without notice.

34. "But, we kiss …" is not justification for using her toothbrush. You don't clean plaque with your tongue.

35. Never let her walk anywhere alone after 11 p.m.

36. Chivalry and feminism are not mutually exclusive.

37. Pick her up at the airport. Don't whine about it, just do it.

38. If you want to break up with her, break up with her. Don't act like a complete jerk until she does it for you.

39. Don't tell her you love her if you don't.

40. Tell her you love her if you do. Often.

41. Always, always suck up to her brother.

42. Think boxers.

43. Silk boxers.

44. Remember Valentine's Day and any cheesy anniversary she names.

45. Don't try to change the way she dresses.

46. Her haircut is never bad.

47. Don't let your friends pick on her.

48. You're still wrong.

49. You're still sorry.

50. The rules are never fair. Accept this without question. The fact that she has to go through labor while you sit in the waiting room smoking cigars isn't fair either, and it balances everything.