The ugly Americans

Being Frank, by Frank Ameduri

I think we may have been offended for the wrong reason when we found out other people in the world sometimes refer to us as "Ugly Americans." There's no doubt that Americans have responded to the charge, but it seems we may have taken it too literally. They didn't mean we look funny, guys -- at least not all of us. Americans, whether it's because we thought other countries thought we were ugly, or because buffed up television and movie stars confirm that most of us are at least kind of plain, have become obsessed with how we look, and even how we think we feel.

We've got a surgery, a pill, an injection, a cream or a garment for every possible physical imperfection, and we've got drugs for lots of things that are at least a little superficial. Some women are having things put in to increase cup sizes, and others are having things taken out for the obvious opposite result. Folks are going in to have fat sucked out of them, and others are having collagen squirted into their lips to make them look more pouty -- or kissable, or whatever pudgy lips are supposed to look like. I looked it up, collagen is a fibrous protein found in connective tissue. I don't know about you, but I'm not kissing anyone with collagen any time soon. What if the lip springs a leak? I don't even want to think about it.

Liposuction is one of my favorites. That's when they poke a hole in you and insert a vacuum cleaner hose under the skin and suck out fat. The tube the fat goes out through is transparent -- I saw it on PBS -- so you can actually see the stuff glopping away. God only knows where they put the stuff, but I'm guessing not too many people apply for the job of taking that bag out to the trash. When you're done, you are many pounds lighter, but you do look something like a Shar-Pei for a few weeks until your skin snaps back into place. Also, the suction treatment doesn't cure the cause of the problem, so if you've jumped on the bandwagon of the new deep-fried Twinkie craze, you'll probably need another hoseout next year. Oh, just one other word of caution. Some people have died from liposuction. On the upside, their families saved money on the skinnier coffin, and the deceased were all said to have been at their svelte best during the viewings.

Of course, there are all kinds of nipping and tucking that can be done if you're an ugly American, too. If American Tourister is fighting for a patent on your eyes, that problem can be tightened right up. If your neck is starting to look like an old sock that fell down around your shoulders, a very well-paid doctor can pull those rolls out in a jiffy. Saggy cheeks --

either set, one would assume -- can be perked right up with a few small cuts and a twist or two. The thing is, that sort of surgery has its risks, too. It also has its limitations. If you think you can't go too far with the plastic surgery thing, I have only two words for you … Michael Jackson. 'Nuff said.

The problem with that sort of surgery is that it can only take care of the aging that has already taken place. It doesn't stop the process, so you have to keep going back, and

pretty soon you run out of skin that that be pulled on without changing your expression into something more alarming or disturbing than attractive. Let's face it, nobody feels comfortable talking to an 80-year-old woman who looks like she's facing into a hurricane gale, or who's teeth are bared in a surgery-induced snarl.

The big issue for men, it would seem, is hair. Either we don't have enough, or it's too gray. There are special dyes and treatments for men that bring that old color back, sort of. Actually, from what I've seen, you can get pretty much the same effect with shoe polish, and it's much cheaper, and it smells kind of manly, too. For the balding guys, and I'm one of them, there seems to be a sort of

cycle you go through. It's very much like greiving. There's the denial phase -- this is normally when you have the comb-over thing

going on. Then there's the anger phase -- at this time, many men simply walk around wearing a ball cap and a "what are you lookin' at" expression on their faces. After that comes the attempt-to-get-back-in-control phase -- hair plugs and implants for the wealthy, bad rugs for the rest of us. Finally, much to the relief of everyone around the balding man, comes the resignation phase. At that point you can either sport the hairline God gave you, or you can just shave the whole thing and be done with it.

Anyway, it's not the way we look that those people in other countries are complaining about. It's the vanity thing, guys. Relax and just get old. It's what people do, and it can be done with class and dignity.

Frank Ameduri is plain

looking, chubby and likely to stay that way.