Time to legalize pot, end the hypocrisy

I love playing with other peoples’ assumptions. Had the opportunity a while back and I’m still laughing about it. Something had hit the news that had friends of mine discussing the “legalize marijuana” debate. I was there but kind of stayed out of the conversation and let them have an animated back-and-forth on the quack science of medical marijuana, the “idiots” that smoke it etc. etc. I let them work themselves into a tizzy and then casually, without stopping what I was doing or looking over at them, I just mumbled, “I say legalize it.”

You could have heard a pin drop. I live for moments like that. In my head I did the whole “Wait for it…..wait….for….it” bit as I kept working. After a moment they started laughing at silly ole’ Ben and his jokes. After all, short-haired conservative Ben would never, ever in a million years honestly think that marijuana should be legal.

So I let them have their yucks and then said, “No, I’m serious. I think they should legalize it.” Again…I kept working as they were silent yet again.

It was inevitable that they wandered over a little closer to me and the predictable assumption hit; I must be an indulger of wacky tobaccy. After all, it’s only the dope heads…the real-life Shaggy-from-Scooby-Doo look-a-likes that wanted it

to be legal, right?

So when they asked (in a quiet yet excited voice as they prepared to be let in on my ‘big secret’) if I smoked the stuff, I couldn’t help but reply, “Oh yeah guys! You didn’t know? Heck, hardly a night goes by that I don’t fire off one of my bongs and toke up until bedtime! I just figured it was common knowledge.”

I love pulling that gag. You’d be surprised how many times I’ve lied like that and experienced somebody who only moments before was speaking out against marijuana, suddenly smile and confess that they use it too. That’s when I tell them I was only joking and watch the sheer look of horror pass over their face. Man that’s funny.

Anyway, I assure them that no…I’m not going to “narc” on them because a) it’s none of my business and b) I honestly, really do think it should be legalized. Heck no I don’t smoke the stuff! I don’t even smoke cigarettes! Why would I want to suck on something that leaves you rolling around on the ground trying to suck air while you cough and hack up your lungs, dries out and hurts your eyes and leaves you piled up on a beanbag like a load of wet laundry, deep in a trance over the laundry detergent commercial that’s on TV? Gosh…what fun.

So anyway, once they figured out I was pulling their leg regarding personal use but that I did truly think it should be legalized I immediately starting hearing the givens regarding what it does for your health; screws up your lungs, hammers away at short-term memory etc. Yeah, I know. I know all that. “So why on Earth would you want to legalize something that does that?” they asked. Deep sigh…and begin;

Well, for starters… “It’s illegal because it’s bad for you”? Really? Better stop and think about that one for a bit. While you’re thinking about that, go for a walk through a grocery store and start your list on “what is bad for you”.

“It’s a gateway drug” Yeah, I remember that being pushed on us in the ’80s. And back then, I ate that stuff up. Believed it. The problem is, once you get older and start doing your own research, you find out that it’s just a theory. Never been proven. Without any real evidence, I can’t buy into it.

OK then….so why do I say legalize it? Here’s the deal: I detest hypocrisy! If we’re going to say that it’s legal to buy alcohol, then I don’t have a leg to stand on to defend criminalizing marijuana. I’ve been around my fair share of drunks, and I’ve been around people who were stoned. I’m sorry but I’ll take the doper hands down.

The drunk is staggering around, puking in my plants, wetting himself, b elligerent as heck and wants to fight everybody. Worst thing a toker has ever done to me is eat my bag of Doritos. Ever heard of somebody dying of alcohol poisoning? Of course you have. How many people have you known who died after a smoking too much pot one night? Is that even possible?

So yeah, I say either make alcohol illegal (Good luck with that. Been tried before. Results weren’t very nice) or legalize marijuana. Does that mean I don’t think it’s bad for you? Of course not! I think it’s stupid to smoke the stuff. But nowhere near as harmful as booze. And we say that’s legal along with all sorts of other stupid stuff; cigarettes, caffeine, Big Macs and political ads for example. You’d eliminate a large portion of the illegal drug industry which would save lives and save us a lot of money…money and man-power that could be used to enforce laws regarding cocaine, heroin and the garbage that is truly, truly bad for you. And the country would benefit from taxes on the sale, just like we do with cigarettes.

I’ve been asked questions along the lines of, “But what about people who smoked it while driving?” What about it? Who says it would be sold just like cigarettes? Put them in the alcohol stores with the same requirements regarding age etc. as we have for buying beer. Enforce it the same way we do drinking and driving or driving under the influence.

I admit it’s a little hard to wrap my head around the idea of people walking into Brown Jug and saying, “Um, I’ll take a pack of unfiltered Winston Willy Nelson 100s and my wife wants me to get her a carton of Virginia Fatties. Oh, and my brother rolls his own so a pack of Skoal Hippy Hay please.”

But again, when I think about everything bad that alcohol does to society and the human body — yet we give adults the ability to “drink responsibly” — well, the double standard just doesn’t make sense to me.

Ben Compton is a Palmer resident and publishes his column as “Compton’s Corner,” the same title used by his grandmother, Phyllis Compton, a longtime Frontiersman columnist.