’Tis the season for family hijinks

Now that Thanksgiving’s over and you’ve survived the cutthroat shopping of Black Friday, it’s time to turn our thoughts toward Christmas and the holiday season.

For many this is a time of celebration, reverence and good cheer, and this is true for my family. The Johnsons also find Christmas a time for good-natured practical jokes, jibes and mental instability.

Mom started our holiday hijinks years ago when, as wide-eyed youngsters, my brother, sister and I eagerly unwrapped gifts (always in turn, oldest to youngest, or vice-versa). Eventually, we got our hands on some long, cylindrical tubes. Wrapped beautifully, we couldn’t wait to see what was inside and had no clue. It could’ve been a poster or a fishing pole.

Jay, the youngest, was the first to tear into the wrapping and found …

… a cardboard tube.

Mom and dad suppressed their laughter while mom urged, “Go ahead, Greg and Cindy, open yours, too.”

Oh boy! Maybe it was a three-part present for all of us. We just wouldn’t know until we had them all open. So we tore into them with as much vigor as Jay and found …

… two more cardboard tubes.

At this point, our parents couldn’t hold their laughter any more and burst out. We were so confused, looking through the tubes and digging through the wrapping to see if we’d missed it. We hadn’t.

Mom had wrapped up her used wrapping paper tubes, slapped bows and a tags on them and had herself one heck of a good laugh at our expense. Since then, someone in the family has periodically slipped a “derr-derr” (as they’re called for the sound children make when placing the tubes to their lips) under the tree.

Since that time, we’ve had many memorable moments around the Johnson Christmas tree.

There was the year Jay crept out before anyone else, found the cards from grandma and placed the money meant for all of us in his card. He was stone-faced as Cindy and I opened our cards. We knew grandma didn’t have much money, so didn’t think much of not finding anything in our cards.

Then Jay opened his card. “Wow! Grandma gave me $150!” Mom was perplexed but silent until then, as she had placed the money in every card and couldn’t understand Cindy and I not finding it there.

Cindy, my younger sister, may actually have a mental deficiency, but that’s another column. She wraps presents in their exact shape (like a shirt laid out perfectly, or a basketball wrapped up round and placed back in its box). Once she gave dad a toolbox. She had wrapped each tool in the box in the exact shape of the tool, down to the last drill bit. It took dad more than an hour to eventually unwrap all the little pieces.

Then there was the year dad and I each received a nice flannel shirt. We’re both about the same size, so dad had no qualms about accusing me right off when he couldn’t find his. For a year dad accused me of stealing his shirt and for a year I denied doing the deed.

Cindy couldn’t be with us the following Christmas so sent her presents ahead of time. On Christmas morning, dad opened one of his gifts from Cindy and, lo and behold, there was his missing flannel shirt. Cindy had pilfered the item and kept it safe for a year knowing I’d be blamed.

As creative as Cindy is, nobody has topped mom, who gave Cindy a Jell-O mold a few years ago. Nothing exciting about this, unless you know that mom gave her the mold encased inside five gallons of green Jell-O. I hate to think of how much time and effort went into this gag, but I fear mom’s going senile.

Of course, it’s not all about the jokes and gags. We were raised to enjoy giving during the holiday season and not worry about being on the receiving end of the race to accumulate things. Now, we all have fun watching my brother’s kids open their first derr-derrs.

Last holiday season I receive a Christmas card and newsletter from a friend who included her Top 10 Ways Christmas Would Be Different if George W. Were Santa Claus list. It’s pretty humorous, with quips like:

• Only best 1 percent of children would receive presents.

• Santa constantly late because he had to check with dad first.

• Twelve Days of Christmas reduced to nine so Santa would not have to remove his shoes for counting.

Being more conservative myself, this year I counter with my:

Top 10 ways Christmas Would Be Different if Al Gore Were Santa Claus

10. Discontinue giving children’s books printed in confusing “butterfly” format.

9. Reindeer set free to avoid exploiting innocent animals as slave laborers.

8. Would invent other neat holidays, like Easter and Thanksgiving.

7. Florida voters? On the permanent naughty list.

6. Would relocate workshop from North Pole to avoid hole in the ozone layer.

5. Nothing but coal for U.S. Supreme Court justices.

4. Naughty children would be executed (sorry, that’s another if George W. Bush were Santa Claus).

3. Elf tossing no longer allowed in North Pole bars.

2. Christmas delayed 36 days while elves count and recount who have been naughty and nice.

1. Keys to the sleigh kept safe in a secure lock box.

Greg Johnson is managing editor for the Mat-Su Valley Frontiersman.