To the graduating class of 2004 …

Being Frank, by Frank Ameduri

This week's column is a high school graduation commencement speech prepared by PogSue Party candidate Jocko Slydecki. Slydecki wasn't actually invited to speak at any graduations -- maybe for good reason. The PogSue party is the Pragmacratic Party of the Greatest Darned State in the Union.

Whew! That's over with.

Don't lie, that's what you're sitting there thinking right now. You're also thinking, "Okay, just get through this without doing anything felonious. This is the last time I'll ever be forced to sit someplace and listen to boring adults talk about stupid things." Ha, ha; the joke's on you. Adult life consists almost exclusively of meaningless presentations given by boring adults. The only difference is, based upon your ability to market yourself, you'll be paid varying amounts of money to listen and applaud at the appropriate times. If you spend your time in college learning to convince people that you're really valuable, you'll be rich. If you don't go to college and learn that, you won't be invited to as many boring presentations, but you'll also live mostly on day-old bakery products and canned meat products. You can check that with the census people.

Most commencement speeches are given for the sake of three groups of people: Teachers, parents and the person giving the speech. The most popular commencement speakers excel at making teachers feel important, making parents feel as though child rearing is akin to building a stairway to the moon using only small pebbles and spit, and making the speakers themselves feel much smarter than they really are. The only group that's forgotten in most commencement speeches is the graduates. I'm going to try not to do that. I'm going to pretend that your parents and teachers are not here, and that my ego isn't the most important thing on the planet. When I'm finished, I'll likely be banned from all schools in the area, and run out of town on a rail. It won't be the first time.

Most so-called adults have said things like this about you: "These students are our future;" "This graduating class is the braintrust of tomorrow;" and all sorts of other heavy things like that. If you look close, grownups usually look fearful when they say things like that. They look that way because you wear strange clothes, and you derive great joy from doing things that either terrify or nauseate old people. Trust me, if you saw the clothes your parents wore in high school, or were able to actually witness some of the things they did, you'd wonder how we ever made it this far. Don't take those stuffy comments too personally, but don't take your clothes and your habits too seriously, either. You do wear stupid clothes and do bizarre things. So do we all. That's not what counts. Grownups wish those things counted, because they're convinced that if they could just get you out of those baggy pants, and get that stud out of your tongue, you'd get in line and start acting like them. They're probably right, but don't fall for it. Acting like them is no great shakes.

Take a look around at the world. Wait … let's get something straight, first. The world is not your neighborhood, or your group of friends, or Alaska, or the U.S.A., or MTV. The world is not depicted on television -- not on sitcoms, reality shows nor in the news. The world is a big place full of people with different ideas, values and opinions -- some valid and some just downright crazy. Some people in the world have way more material wealth than they deserve, and a lot of people have way less than a decent person needs. Most of you have more than you need, but not as much as you'd like. Get used to it. That's the world.

Now, take a look around at the world. I have no idea what you're going to see, because you're looking through your eyes, with your experiences and your ideals and values. Maybe those ideals and values are valid, and maybe they're just downright crazy. I couldn't care less. The point is to look at the world with your own eyes, and decide whether or not you like what you see. If you like it, then prepare to trade in your baggy pants and your silly dreams about the future and to start attending meaningless presentations delivered by boring adults. To those of you who are in that category I say, congratulations. For you, my speech is over. Take your parents and go away now.

If you look at the world and you don't like everything you see, you'll have one of two reactions. You might think, "It's not great, but there's nothing we can do about it," or you might think, "It's not great, but we can make it better." If you think there's nothing we can do, I say, congratulations. For you, my speech is over. Take your parents and go away now. If you think we can do something, and you think maybe you can be a part of that, stay put.

The good news is, making the world better isn't nearly as hard as it sounds, or as impossible as crotchety, old people want you to think it is. You need three things: The truth; the determination to keep at it despite the best efforts of crotchety, old people to discourage you; the ability to be happy that all your hard work is going to make things better for everyone -- even the people you don't like.

I can't help you with the determination or the willingness to help mean people. Either you can do those things, or you can't. If you can't, congratulations. Take your parents and go away.

What I can do is tell you some of the truth. A lot of the truth changes all the time, and some of it is only inside of each of you, so you'll have to keep looking for it all the time. Here are a few things that are true and always will be. You can test the truth in this way. Say something to an intolerant, ignorant person. If he rolls his eyes, shakes his head or condescendingly pats your head, the thing is true. If he nods and says, "What a smart person you are," it's not true.

Truth 1: Relatively speaking, the world is not relative. That is, there are good things and bad things in the world. There are good and bad people, too. If anyone tells you he has a complete list of the good and bad things, run away. Only bad people keep those lists. The good and bad things that don't change are very few, but they are all-encompassing. Behaviors that are designed to make your life easier at the expense of others are bad. People who make a habit of practicing those behaviors are bad. Imagining that you are anywhere near the center of the universe, or that your needs are any more valid or important than anyone else's is bad. Understanding that you are no more or less fragile or valuable than anyone else is on the good list. Making even small sacrifices so that someone else's life can be improved is also good. Those are the big ones.

Truth 2: There's a difference between the small stuff and the little things, and the little things are worth sweating. If you practiced one act of kindness, picked up one piece of litter, learned one new thing and gave one dollar per day to charity, there would be 365 more happy people, 365 fewer pieces of trash, 365 more bright ideas and 365 more possibilities for compassion in the world every year. If everyone did that … well, you're a big, smart graduate, you do the math.

Truth 3: You are not necessarily the future. If you turn into crotchety, old people, you're just an extension of the present. If you want to be the future, you have to do at least one new thing. If it's a good thing, the future's bright. You get to decide.

Truth 4: Understanding the difference between what you want and what you need is the absolute key to contentment and to your ability to make a meaningful difference in the world. If you can't tell the difference, you'll spend the rest of your life collecting the things you want while depriving others of the things they need. In the end, you'll have a huge bag full of regrets, and nobody needs that.

There are a few other permanent truths, but I'm not going to do all the work for you. If you believe some of the things I've said, and if you still want to make tomorrow a little better than today, congratulations. Now, take your parents and get out of here. You've got a lot of work to do.

Jocko Slydecki is the PogSue's candidate for every office. He's a write-in, only.