We need to turn out a better crop of hoods

Being Frank, by Frank Ameduri

One of the dreaded tasks every editor faces is the reading of the Police Beat column before it can be placed in an upcoming issue of the paper. Part of the reason is the sheer tedium involved, but there is also the unavoidable depression that follows each reading. It's not just the coming to grips with the tragedies in the lives of others, but it's also the constant realization that not only are many of these people criminals, but they are also not very good at it.

In this time when some families are often too busy or distracted to impart important skills to their children, we've asked schools to take on part of that role. We call it Life Skills class. It's a place where the future of our nation can learn important skills like check-writing, grocery list making and shoe tying. We offer no such support for potential criminals, though. We're turning out an unprepared crop of criminals each year, and it's really getting embarrassing. Why don't we have a Low-life Skills class in public schools?

A few examples from our own recent pages demonstrate the need for such a program. Since Low-Life Skills classes are not yet available, I'd like to offer a few observations and pointers.

In one recent case, the police attempted to arrest a man on an outstanding warrant. In an attempt to throw the police off the trail, the man gave them someone else's name. Unfortunately, that name was also connected to an outstanding warrant. The man, feeling the plan was good but the execution was bad, gave another name. You probably don't need any clues to figure out what happened next. He actually, according to the press release, did this "several" times, each time giving a name with an outstanding warrant attached to it.

The first point to be made here is that the old axiom that begins, "If at first you don't succeed …" doesn't usually apply to crime. In crime, if at first you don't succeed, it's best to just pick up a case of beer and hang out with your buds until the heat's off.

The second point here is that, in a case like this one, you should always employ the STOP and THINK technique. When you have made the critical decision to give the police a fake name, STOP. Don't do anything rash. Give yourself just a moment to THINK. What you have to ask yourself is, "Do I actually know anybody who doesn't have a rap sheet?" If most of your buddies are the kind of people who would hang around with you, do you really want to use their identities? The trick is to find somebody with a clean reputation and memorize his or her name. When the police ask you your name, your false response will be quick and confident. Even though they'll bust you anyway, they'll be more impressed with you.

Another thing you can do is just make up a name. Be warned, however, this will absolutely not get you off. What it will do is buy you some time to come up with a better plan. It will take the police about 10 minutes to figure out that Vern Fitzblatty doesn't really exist. While they're busy with that, you can formulate something more effective. Maybe you can point behind the officer and say, "Hey! What the heck is that?" When he turns to look, make a beeline for the woods.

Another recent topic in Police Beat is a rash of armed robberies. In these, the robber wears a hooded sweatshirt, and he also wears a bandana over his face -- like the guys in the old train robber movies. He robs really strange places, like movie theaters and java stands. In the first robbery, the one at the cinema, he took off on a four-wheeler and then crashed it in the woods and dropped his gun. Police seem to feel he hasn't managed to get much money in any of the robberies, for obvious reasons. Some law enforcement people have even suggested the spree is being committed by a group of people.

This criminal's errors are mostly style points. First of all, crashing your get-away vehicle and dropping your gun are really bad form. It suggests the plan was not well thought out. It also suggests you can't drive a four-wheeler.

Second, don't rob teen-agers working at coffee stands. Coffee stands don't have much money, and the teen-ager is just trying to make a few honest bucks. Even worse, when the bandit robbed the coffee stand it was reported that he "jumped up and down." That's just plain embarrassing. Also, I'm sure this is just one person. I say that because if it were two, one of them would have shot the other in the knee by now over the pittance they scored at Mocha Moose. The wounded bandit would be in the hospital right now spilling his guts.

We will give this bandit points for fashion, though. It's nice to see a retro-robber in the neighborhood. The bandana over the face might have been a clichŽ in the '20s, but it's very vogue now. Nice touch.

In the end, guys, here's the best point of all. Before you decide to break the law, take an honest account of your past. If many of the legal things you've done went bad, perhaps you should let the life of crime dream go. Learn a trade.