We've got tofu, who needs choice?

Being Frank, by Frank Ameduri

The recent liberalization of FCC media ownership rules has got people talking. Of course, most of those people are talking on TV and radio stations owned by the same company, but who's got time to worry about that? The loosened regulations make it easier for media companies to consolidate, so that one media corporation can own several radio stations, a TV station and newspapers in a single market. That means one company can dominate the information and entertainment options in several cities and towns. You might find that counter to the notion of free choice and diversity of ideas, but those owner corporations will tell you otherwise. They like to call their one-size-fits-all programming consistent and polished.

Imagine if FCC rules regulated all activities in our culture. Things would actually be a lot easier -- we wouldn't have so many pesky choices to make, for one thing. The Universal Chassis Company would build all the cars, and the they'd all be one thing. You'd buy a chassis, complete with engine, suspension, wheels and all the guts. Then you could stop off at the Big 'Ol Everything Mega Store and pick up a plastic body to plop on it. For 50 bucks, you could drop a hot little sports body on your universal chassis, or you might be doing a lot of soccer mom stuff, so you could plop on the universal SUV body. It's really up to you.

While you're at the Big 'Ol Everything Mega Store, you could also do all your other shopping. The great thing would be that there would still be all kinds of different colorful packaging and marketing techniques. Not because the products are any different, but because the Insipid Comestibles company would still know that some people prefer the bologna that comes in the green package while others consider the red package better. Never mind that the bologna was ground from the same hoof and lips. That's not what choice in this, most free, country is all about. Americans, who ought to bloody-well know what individualism is if anybody does, can tell you that substance may be bone deep, but you don't choose a cover girl for her X-rays. Choice is not about substance, baby. It's about brand loyalty. For instance, you might be a Yoplait fan while your sister prefers Columbo yogurt. That's great! You both get to choose the yogurt package you like best, and General Mills is happy, because they own both. It's a win/win/win situation. You like Van de Kamps fish sticks better than Mrs. Paul's. Or Log Cabin Syrup better than Aunt Jemima? No problem. Aurora Foods is happy no matter which way you go.

The great thing about choices in a coglomerate-controlled market is that they don't have to count. If you choose Bubba's Bodacious Brew instead of Saul's Special Suds, there's not need to fret. You can rest assured you've always made the best choice, because they came out of the same batch no matter what can you're drinking from.

In all truth, it doesn't much matter what the FCC does. America is already like a bowl of colored tofu cubes. It looks great on the table, but every forkful tastes just like the last. Flip between the major networks if you don't believe me. They're owned by different parent companies. On one you'll get Star Search, on another you'll be watching Fame, and on the third you'll be watching American Idol. It's the same show with different desperate contestants.

As far as most Americans are concerned, all the world's a mall. There's no such thing as west coast or east coast style anymore. It's all Gap style, and there's a Gap in every mall in every city. If you can't get to the Gap, you can still pick up Gap clones at the Big 'Ol Everything Mega Store for dirt cheap. They're not really clones per se, because they're probably sewn by the same eight-year-old kid in Bali. He's just got to remember to switch tags every now and again.

I'm not griping, though. This whole consolidation thing is probably the most American phenomenon since Feng Shui. Corporate consolidation is patriotic, really. Just pull a coin out your pocket and look on the back. "E Pluribus Unum. That's right, from many, one. Now that would be dangerous if the one was owned by the many -- that's called socialism. But as long as the one is owned by just a few, well, that's what makes this country great. So when you're driving around in your Universal Chassis, be sure to be a loyal consumer and display in your back window a sticker of Calvin peeing on the Bill of Rights!

Frank Ameduri is