Why do we eat so darned much food?

Being Frank, by Frank Ameduri

Americans are catching a lot of grief for being fat these days. The new American mantra is, "Eat less; exercise more." Eat fewer carbs, eat less fat, eat less sugar, eat fewer calories.

Everybody has a theory about why Americans eat so much. Like anything to do with humans, it's really not that hard. Why do we eat so much? Because we can -- and because there's good stuff to eat.

Take a look at countries with lots of skinny people. The English have been skinnier than Americans for decades. The British Isles are home to boiled meat, blood pudding and stuffed sheep's bladder. Still surprised when you see a spindly Englishman? If blood pudding and sheep's bladder were on the menu, I'd look like Calista Flockhart with hairy legs and a goatee. If McDonald's had started out selling boiled Big Macs, they'd be in the cat food business now.

The French are a rangy people, sure. And you might be tempted to mention all of that rich French cuisine. Don't bother. Just because you once dropped a paycheck on veal liver with raspberry vinegar and something drenched in b/chamel sauce doesn't make you an expert. Don't forget that snails and roots dug up by pigs feature heavily on French menus. Let's face it, you don't eat the legs off a frog because you had a craving. You do that because Death is knocking at the door and your stomach is singing "La Marseillaise" in three different languages.

The arrival of fast food and American cuisine has begun to expand waistlines in Japan. Until recently, though, only Sumo wrestlers had to shop in the big and tall section. Why? Three little items: Raw fish, seaweed and raw fish wrapped in seaweed. I'm feeling skinnier just thinking about it. Everybody says they love sushi and sashimi these days. The people who say that are either skinny or lying. If they truly loved it they'd eat enough of it to get fat. Sushi is basically recipes written before the discovery of fire. People didn't used to cook eggs either, but that doesn't make it a good idea.

Let's face it, we're no different than any other animal. When we're hungry enough, we'll eat anything, but only enough to get us to that next cheeseburger. Trust me, if you put a plate of snails down in front of a starving dog, he'll eat them, but he won't thank you for it. Put down a bucket of Buffalo chicken wings for that dog, and he'll eat and wag his tail until the bucket's empty or his stomach blows up -- whichever comes first. Who wouldn't?

I won't tell you the way we eat is healthy -- heaven knows it's not. But I can't tell you it's unnatural, either. Skinny people will go on and on about how Americans have no will power -- no self control. The thing that convinces people to eat veggie burgers and low-carb pasta that tastes worse than the box it comes in, is not will power. If you can afford the prime rib and you order the tofu stir-fry instead, it's not will power, it's just silliness. If your taste buds say cream puff but you order "Just an herbal tea," it's not prudence, it's just a missed opportunity.

will power is running that extra mile when your lungs are on fire and your legs are spent. Turning down a hotlink smothered in condiments with a side of potato salad is just bad judgment. Self control is not honking when the person in front of you can't figure out the four-way stop. Hanging a poster of Jared from Subway on your refrigerator is just plain weird.

Do I want to be skinny? Sure I do. Do I wish I had a foot-long meatball sub with provolone and all the fixings right now? You bet. I don't want that meatball grinder because I'm hungry. If you put a bowl of celery down in front of me right now, I could take a pass. If someone dropped by with that sandwich, though, I'd be on it like stink on athletes' foot. Why? Because it was there -- because I could. That's what Americans do, and if the English could figure out how to make a good barbecued rib, that's what they'd do, too.

Frank Ameduri is one slice of cheesecake away from serious trouble.