Women seek refuge from violence

WASILLA -- Why do men batter women? And why, many times, do women stay with men who batter them?

There are many theories about both questions. But when stripped to the problem's root cause, the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence believes battering starts and continues because the man sees violence as a way to control another person -- and he usually doesn't suffer consequences for doing so.

Women stay for more complex reasons than the clich/ "low self-esteem," the coalition says. They may continue the relationship because of the economic hardship of raising a child alone, or fear that leaving a batterer will make him even more violent. The coalition emphasizes there's no single profile, although the national agency believes most feel shame, embarrassment and isolation once battering begins.

Three women who met recently for their weekly domestic violence support group meeting through Alaska Family Resource Center talked about their own experiences. Their names have been changed to protect their identities.

"My self-esteem was low when I got into the dysfunctional relationship," said Krista. "He beat me. I tried to protect myself. He's stronger. He won.

"But now I'm not in that relationship and I won't get into any relationship until my self-esteem is back up."

Krista is a recovering drug addict, and has domestic violence charges against her from a fight with her boyfriend. She'd never been in trouble with the law before meeting him. He wore her down emotionally, she said, by telling her she was worthless.

She's gotten rid of the boyfriend, but it took longer to repair the damage from his words.

"It went even deeper because of all the things he told me that I still had in my head," Krista said. "I got almost to the point of suicide. None of it was worth it anymore. I tried to mask my feelings with drugs and alcohol.

"I was in jail, I lost my child, and I knew serious changes needed to be made in my life."

Krista realized that killing herself would only cause her child and other relatives more grief. Instead, she decided to seek mental health counseling. She said counselors reinforced her strengths, and slowly brought her out of depression.

"It's a lot of hard work," Krista said. "It's something you have to feel in your heart."

Sherry, who's been sitting quietly across the room, leans forward in her chair. She's been hanging on Krista's words. Now she wants to explain how she feels about her children, and about her own life.

"I have to do things for me sometimes," she said. "I need that to be whole. I can't just take care of everyone around me all the time. I had to let it go."

She said her partner is working hard, too. He's trying to stay sober because trouble starts when he drinks.

"Now I have better boundaries," Sherry said. "I know what I'm willing to accept and what I'm not willing to accept. There's control issues enmeshed in all of this."

Facilitator Nancy Retallick cautions the women against believing they can control their feelings. "I think we can react to them," she said.

Krista chimed in, "If something bothers me, I've learned to address it rather than just let it build and build."

Retallick turns to Teri, who hasn't said more than a couple of words in an hour. She prompts the woman to talk.

Teri says her son is just starting to walk, but she's not with him.

"I can't stand that I have a kid out there and I'm not taking care of him," she said.

Teri adds that she's tired of being around people who drink.

"I grew up around drunks," she said. "They wouldn't remember the next day what I had said."

The women talk some more about how problems escalate toward violence. They nod when Retallick discusses the "honeymoon stage" after a fight, when both partners promise it will never happen again.

Sherry says she hated feeling as though everything was too good to be true. She knew it was only a matter of time until pressures built toward another explosion.

"He tries to keep from drinking," Sherry said. "I can see him trying, and it pisses me off because I can see when he's thinking about going and getting drunk. When he gets drunk he gets violent and the cops come."

But things seem to be better lately, Sherry says. Her partner is getting counseling, too, which was a condition she required if they were to stay together. She's completed more than 30 of her required 36 weekly sessions, and Retallick can see Sherry has come a long way.

"What's it say about you that you made it from there to here?" Retallick asked.

Sherry cracks a big smile.

"That I'm a tough one," she said. "Yeah. That's me."