You've been traded!

Resslin' Around, by Casey Ressler

As any devoted sports fanatic (or as my wife calls us, "freaks") knows, the NHL trading deadline is this Tuesday. NFL just began the free agency period, and the NBA is fast approaching its trade deadline.

I can't help but imagine what it would be like if the rest of the world worked like the sports world does. I can imagine coming in to work one March morning and getting called into my editor's office.

"Casey, you've been at the Frontiersman for more than eight years now, and I know this is the only organization that you've ever played for. We really appreciate your effort day in and day out, but we've got to trim our payroll and get younger in our features section," editor Frank would say. "We're trading you to the Barrow paper for a couple of college interns, a keyboard that doesn't have an 'E' on it and future considerations, which may or may not include some whale meat. We're going a different direction.

"Barrow is an up and coming paper with lots of young talent, and they could use your leadership for the push leading up to the Alaska Press Club awards," Frank would continue.

"Plus, your contract is up at the end of the year, and that gives Barrow an option if they don't want you next year," big Frank would say. "They've been talking about using the money they'd save by letting you go and buying a new ocean kayak for next year's hunt."

Uh, OK. But what about the house I just built? What about having all my family here? Is there even fly fishing in Barrow? How do I pack up eight years' worth of stuff piled on my desk, which includes an old roll of duct tape, a Spam calendar, a magnetic Elvis doll, a football shaped whistle, an old Mattel electronic football game, an "eBay Queen" pin and several coffee cups that haven't been washed since the late 1990s?

"Don't worry, the real estate market is good right now. You shouldn't have any problem in selling, and I'll take that Mattel football game," Frank would say. "And honestly, I think you'll like Barrow. And we'll love that messed up keyboard, as long as we don't use any words with an 'E' in them. It's a great trade for both organizations."

Yeah, but what about me? And what about the readers who are accustomed to words with 'E' in them?

And that fast, I'd be heading to Barrow. It's like a teacher coming into school, meeting with the principal and being told they've been dealt to Toronto for a couple of extra boxes of chalk and a fourth-round pick in next year's teacher draft. Or a carpenter being told that in a cost-cutting move, they've been moved to Pensacola for a minimum-wage laborer, and the job starts in three days so get packing.

Sure, getting traded wouldn't be that swell. But for a couple of million dollars every year, like the athletes get now, I gotta believe I'd learn to like the weather in Barrow -- I'd probably even fly in my own indoor trout pound.

Casey Ressler (valleylife@frontiersman.com) is the Valley Life editor. He's hoping he has a no-trade clause.