Your babe may be problematic

This is abuse: being manipulated by someone, whether they’re aware of it or not, into making you love them and believe that they love you unconditionally, too.

It actually does start out charming. Perfect, even. You’re the luckiest person in the entire world and the rest of them just don’t understand. They don’t know your boyfriend or girlfriend like you do. They couldn’t possibly understand the depth and scope of your relationship. They’re just jealous. They just want you to be unhappy. Nobody understands you like your person does. Nobody loves you but your babe.

This is the beginning of abuse. It’s called isolation.

Don’t let “50 Shades of Grey” convince you that emotional manipulation, rape, violence, stalking, extreme jealousy, and blatant disregard for personal boundaries and consent is sexy. It’s not. Ana and Christian’s relationship isn’t a torrid love affair, it’s a portrayal of every characteristic of an extremely dangerous relationship stretched into a horrifying trilogy.

There is a difference between consensual sex that involved bondage or submission, and abuse.

Christian Grey belongs in a jail, far away.

Scarier still, those actions begin in high school. Violent behavior manifests as early as 13 years old. One in 10 high school students has been purposefully hit, slapped or physically hurt by a boyfriend or girlfriend. That number only accounts for the 33 percent of teens that admitted it even happened. Imagine the real number.

The National Domestic Violence Hotline defines abuse as “a repetitive pattern of behaviors to maintain power and control over an intimate partner.” It’s about control. This includes physical harm, fear tactics, control, force, threats, sexual assault, emotional harm, digital abuse, and withheld finances, all of which can exist simultaneously. For the LGBT community, it also includes revealing sexual and/or gender orientation.

Abuse exists in a cyclical transition of “incidents” to “honeymoons;” gradually building into broken bones and broken homes. Tensions build toward the “incident” until someone’s crying in pain, and then suddenly there are flowers on the table and everyone’s super in love and doing great again… until tensions start building and the cycle repeats a few dozen times until someone’s gone. But it surpasses simple hitting.

Emotional manipulation capitalizes on feelings of guilt, responsibility, and insecurities. One in five American teenage girls in relationships reported a boyfriend threatening violence or self-harm when presented with a breakup. Abusers like to twist the truth to make their actions seem like the victim’s fault. All sexes are guilty of this; it’s not limited strictly to men.

More red flags of abuse include lying, coercion, rape, stalking, extreme jealousy/anger, complete control over your actions, and even dictating your clothes. Larger still, are withheld resources such as transportation or finances, exemplified by refusal to let one hold their own phone, wallet, and keys. People can’t leave without money and ID cards. It also inhibits private, unmonitored conversation. Sometimes abusers threaten harm to family members and pets, and almost always employ tactical humiliation to instill submission. Consistent belittling hacks away at self-esteem to make the victim depressed and anxious. This tactic is particularly effective with gaslighting — the art of making someone second guess themselves to the edge of insanity.

The same concept of absolute control also applies to internet usage, sleep patterns, work hours, even eating, drinking, drug use and medical needs. Unfortunately, it can happen to anyone and affects almost everyone. People of all races, sexes, social and economic classes, orientations, religions and locations are equally vulnerable to violence by an intimate partner. For women, one of three will be abused in their lifetime. Battering is the leading cause of injury to women, exceeding rapes, street crimes, and car accidents combined.

But by the time they’re hitting hard enough to apologize, they know you well enough to know which strings to pull to ensure your submission. They’ll play your heartstrings like a harp, and it happens all the time. The goal of users and abusers is to get their prey so dependent on them that they can’t function without them. This is where Stockholm syndrome and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder come into effect.

Stockholm syndrome occurs when people are kept in a high-stress situation for multiple days, isolated with their captor. In such situation the person often develops caring feelings for the instigator and a dislike of the outside world. It’s essentially developing a taste for discomfort in a twisted, masochistic way. The relationship between Belle and the Beast in Disney’s “Beauty and the Beast” is a good example.

PTSD also manifests in abused people, incest victims, and those in controlling/intimidating relationships. To put that in perspective, PTSD is known for its prevalence among soldiers, prisoners of war, cult members, and concentration camp prisoners. There is no difference between a war zone and an abusive relationship. They both end in death.

What most people don’t understand is that living in an abusive relationship isn’t crazy and it isn’t the victim’s fault. The change from lover to beater is often subtle, gradually building over months and years, starting with seemingly insignificant acts to determine their partner’s reaction to pushed boundaries. While doing this, they also employ psychological tactics to elicit an emotional response, usually of shame and self-loathing. Abusers convince their partners that they deserve the pain, and that without them, they’re nothing. This creates a constant hypercritical internal monologue within the victim, making them blame themselves for what is being done to them more than enough for the rest of the world.

It’s not completely hopeless, though. No matter what the partner says, no matter what they do, it’s possible to get away and be safe. If the victim is no longer living with or talking to family, now is the time to reconnect. Family is harder for abusers to keep their partner away from. No one can get under the skin like family, but no one is as close as they are, either. No one has been in a life as long. An abusive partner can scare off friends, but family is determined to remain. They will fight for the victim, and protect them, too. Often abusers try to get family out of sight and out of mind as quickly as possible with manipulative lies and twists because of this reason.

The ties between friends are more easily controlled by abusers, but friends play an important role in getting out. No matter what, it’s time to make a plan and create a support network. People will be there for the abused.

Friends, coworkers, you have to look for warning signs. It’s usual for victims to be isolated from people that knew them before the relationship began and escalated. This way, differences in behavior aren’t as obvious. If you suspect someone you know is living in hell, look for unexplained injuries, secrecy, depression, anxiety, avoidance of social situations, weight fluctuations, excessive amounts of sick days, and pay attention to the dynamics within their relationship. Listen to them when they speak and remember what they say. Cheer them up if possible.

Unfortunately, local police and state troopers don’t offer reliable protection in relationship violence. At best, they can issue protective orders and temporarily break up fights. This isn’t realistic for long-term results, even with a restraining order. Leaving is contingent solely upon a person’s own resolve. Everyone has the strength within them, and there are services and shelters to help.

Palmer houses Alaska Family Services, a domestic violence response group for women and children with a 24-hour crisis line. They offer a wide array of services for people in need, and all ages are welcome to come in or call their toll free number, 866-746-4080. Programs like MY House in Wasilla offer shelter for displaced and homeless teens.

Alaska Family Service in Palmer staffs a toll free crisis hotline at 866-746-4080, call 746-4080 to reach the women’s shelter or the sexual abuse response team.

Considering 75 percent of women who are killed by their partners die immediately after leaving, or while trying to leave, everyone needs all the help possible.

Jasmyn Green is a senior at Wasilla High. February was Teen Domestic Violence Awareness month.