Zoning: Bringing out the best, and worst, of Valley residents

Mat-Su Mouth

"PC and the Zoners" isn't a new music group. It's the Mat-Su Borough Planning Commission offering up a draft zoning ordinance for the core area. Over the last six weeks the commission has taken the public's comment on the proposed Core Area Zoning Ordinance. Hundreds of people have testified and thousands of pages of comments have been collected. The Valley isn't shy about heartfelt opinions. Here are some of the signature moments and quotes of the "Core Area Chorus:"

SPLIT BUT SINCERE COMMUNITY

"You may win the battle but you won't win the war."

"You may lose the battle but you will win the war."

"This zoning ordinance will make us a cookie-cutter state."

"Without a plan, we will be a cookie-cutter state."

"Zoning will always divide and pit neighbor against neighbor."

"Without zoning, neighbors hate their neighbors."

"Zoning builds ghettos."

"Zoning increases property value."

"This is too much, too soon."

"This is too little, too late."

"We need to wait and do this in 10 years."

"We should have done this 20 years ago."

WE LOVE IT

"People are responsible for what they do to other people."

"Zoning is a good tool."

"We don't live in Dogpatch."

"We need some order."

"The worst-case scenario or nightmare is what planning is all about."

"Zoning will protect my rights."

"Planning is what civilized people do when they live in close proximity to each other."

"Something is better than nothing."

"My rights were taken away by my neighbor."

WE HATE IT

"Zoning is a runaway train."

"Zoning is against the constitution."

"Zoning is good for the greed oriented."

"Zoning is against God."

"Zoning is a direct violation of democracy."

"Zoning is for Russia."

"Zoning is just like a fascist government."

"Zoning has its roots in communism."

"This zoning is too rigid and too harsh."

"I ain't the sharpest knife in the drawer but I don't gotta take my shoes off to count the number of people in this room in favor of zoning."

"Stay out of my life."

"Zoning is legalized theft by the government."

"Zoning will spread like cancer."

"People pushing zoning may have good intentions but they're not right."

"Don't fix something that ain't broken."

"This plan has no social redeeming values whatsoever."

"This plan will dispossess some to enrich others."

"It's like I'm choking on a large lump in my throat."

"I urge you to take care … because if it hurt going down it will feel really bad coming out."

"The people pushing this plan are the greatest evil to have hit the Valley."

"This is fast, furious and flawed."

"One size does not fit all."

"This here plan was developed by people that came up from Oregon or California."

PREDICTIONS, THREATS AND CONSPIRACY THEORIES

"Lock and load."

"Get rid of it. Amen."

"If this goes through, I'll donate the tar and feathers."

"Don't ram it."

"All they're doing is appeasing one complainer at a time so they will disappear from the fight."

"This is all smoke and mirrors."

"Move back to where you came from."

"I'm not here to stack coals on your head."

"Listen to all that no clapping."

"Kill it. Bury it. Bag it."

"It smells of death."

"There will be repercussions and disaster."

"Vibrant jobs will be inhibited."

"This is all dirty politics."

"It's a done deal."

"Someone is getting rich over this."

"This is commie-nazism."

DIRECTIVES AND SCOLDINGS

"Churches should be in all zoning districts."

"We need zoning but there has to be a better way."

"We need a plan for development -- but not this one."

"Zone the action not the property -- the odor, the glare or the noise."

"Give us tax breaks for making our yards and houses better."

"You know, this is the flyingist state in the union."

"You must be the Silicon Valley commissioners."

"The only time I show up at one of these things is when I'm mad."

"People are neither responsible nor respectful."

"Polite people don't come and testify."

"This is just some knee-jerk reaction to some racetrack."

DEAL MAKERS AND SHOW STOPPERS

"Drop my taxes and I'll pick up my garbage. Drop my taxes and I'll paint my house."

"I'm a body-shop owner and I don't want a body shop in my backyard either."

"You should get the Golden Globe Award for the best science-fiction book of the century."

"I'm here tonight to represent myself … and I'm pretty sure I also represent my wife."

"You're not poor if you're free."

"(This plan) could drive you cuckoo."

"This crowd looked like a violent prison riot before it happens."

"You can smell the fear in this room."

"I'll donate toilet paper for copies."

"The tree of liberty is getting thirsty."

"It's more convenient for government to fight our battles."

CONFUSION

"The document is hard to understand … but then I read slow and I only got a Harvard degree."

"I'm not mad at anyone."

"I've lived here for 27 years and this is the first time I've ever heard of zoning."

"The wise ones were the ones that voted against statehood which then created borough government."

"We can't hunt, fish or cross country ski anymore."

JUSTIFICATIONS

"I've lived here 23 years."

"I moved here because it was unrestricted."

"I moved here because the Valley was rural."

"It doesn't matter how long I've lived here."

Barbara Hunt is a local writer and listener. The Mat-Su MOUTH is in its 6th year and is printed twice a month, more or less, depending on the Valley buzz. The MOUTH may be reached at e-mail address bhunt@alaska.net. MOUTH contributions and submittals may be dropped off, mailed, or faxed to the MOUTH c/o THE FRONTIERSMAN. Good taste is required and confidentiality will be respected.