Sister of the bride

Alaskans,

I am having an issue. Provided that we get off of lockdown my sister is getting married next year. She has not asked me to participate in the wedding because for a multitude of reasons I do not get along with other people in the wedding party. I have no problem with this. I actually do not enjoy being involved in all of the planning and traditions that go into a wedding.

The issue is that I told her that I am not interested in attending her wedding because my father is going to be invited. I love my sister and my mother dearly, but I have successfully been estranged from my father for over a decade. I understand why she has a close relationship with him, but I have chosen not to for reasons of my own. When I told my mother about my decision, she was very understanding about my reasons for not attending. She also told me about some things from my childhood that I did not remember. I am now also upset with her for not giving me information that I feel I should have had.

I already don’t have a great relationship with many in my family and now I feel like I am about to lose two more. I can’t find a way to compromise without feeling like I am also not holding true to my values. Can you help?

Well, first let us acknowledge that you must be feeling a multitude of emotions at this time. Guilt, betrayed, anger, sadness, loneliness and more are all valid reactions to the situation you are in. You are allowed to have these feelings and it will be difficult to process all of them.

We support people not believing the old tropes like “Family First” and “Blood is thicker than water.”

Sometimes family can be real assholes. We don’t have to like everyone that we are related to and we certainly should not feel guilted into spending time with them. There have been several times that one of us has bowed out of a family event or tradition because of an argument with a certain family member or because of an issue that has never been resolved. Setting boundaries and maintaining space from those that have hurt or wronged us is always OK. You state that you have bad blood with several members of your family so we must point out that in some of these situations you also need to take moral inventory and make sure that the issue is not you. This is not an accusation, simply something that must be said.

As far as the issue with your mother goes, our advice is that you speak with her about your feelings. For those of us that are parents we often get stuck in the conundrum of trying to protect our children from harm while simultaneously being honest with them. It’s hard to sit down with your kid and tell them the blunt truth from the beginning while still keeping them safe. You need to be honest with her about how you feel and start an open dialogue. Be open to her reasons for keeping the full truth from you. Remember, she is not making an excuse, just offering an explanation.

Now for the bigger issue. Not attending your sister’s wedding. This is a problem. Like we stated previously, we understand boundaries. We can sympathize with your emotions about being in the same location as your father. We want to offer you a couple ideas for compromise.

You stated that you understand why your sister has a good relationship with your father. We hope that she is as good at understanding your reasons for not wanting to be around him. Perhaps she can be the bridge to make sure that the two of you can be in the same place but not interact. State your boundaries to her and ask her to speak to your father about not approaching you. Some of us have been in this very situation and sometimes our siblings are the best advocate that we have. Ask her to help you set consequences for him if he decides to violate your boundaries.

The other piece of advice that we have is to ask her what the most important part of the day for you is to attend. It is much easier to attend just the ceremony and watch what is a very important part of her life where guests don’t mix and mingle. Skip out on the reception where alcohol and forced family photos would put you in closer contact with someone that you are happily estranged from.

The basic point is that you don’t need to walk away from these relationships that you cherish over a single disagreement. Sometimes conversation and compromise are what is important. Good luck.

Dear Alaskans

I think I might be weird. I am a 20-year-old male that does not have an interest in sex. Like any other guy I enjoy masturbation, porn, and other things sexual, but I do not have an interest in having sex with girls the way my friends do. It seems to be the only thing they focus on and it does not appeal to me in the same way. I might be interested in it if I was in a relationship, but I don’t want to be sleeping around the way my friends are.

Am I a Freak?

Okay, let us first emphatically state that no, you are not a freak. You are also not weird. In the same way that we would never slut shame someone for being a person that enjoys sex all the time with random people, we would never make you feel different or unusual for choosing your own path in sexuality. A person that chooses to never do anything sexually is just as valid as a person that chooses to do every sexual thing that they can find, (legally).

There is a level of sexuality that is not often discussed or understood and that is the spectrum of Asexuality. A person on this spectrum may experience no sexual desires at all, or they may only experience desire in certain aspects. Some of these include sapiosexuality and Demisexuality. These would be what we consider to be on the GrayAce or Gray Asexuality spectrum. Here is the cool thing; you guys even have your own Pride flag.

The one we want to focus on here is Demisexuality. These are people that only feel sexual desire for a person that they have strong emotions for. Their desire is not simply hardwired into lust. It is about feelings and genuine attraction that goes beyond the physical. You stated that you believe that you may be interested in sex if you were in a relationship so this is something that we think you should look into.

You stated that you look at porn so we are not sure if this is the case, but much of the answer could also be in the type of porn that you are looking at. If the types of fantasies that catch your eye are loving couple passionately embracing this could be the answer that you are seeking. If it is simply the physical bodies you are interested in seeing there may be more to it. Feel free to write us back if you would like resources on where you can find out more about this. However, let us again state that no matter what the answer is, you are perfectly normal.

If you have questions for the Alaskans send us an email at lastfrontierdating@outlook.com